WEBVTT 00:00:02.501 --> 00:00:03.832 Alpa chino! 00:00:03.936 --> 00:00:07.069 We're loaded I love the pussy, hell, yeah 00:00:07.172 --> 00:00:08.571 I love the pussy, hell, yeah 00:00:08.674 --> 00:00:11.336 I love that pussy dripping down to the floor, oh, no 00:00:11.443 --> 00:00:13.934 the wettest pussy, hell, yeah I love the pussy, hell, yeah 00:00:14.046 --> 00:00:17.140 I'm drinking up your Booty sweat and busting a nut 00:00:17.249 --> 00:00:19.012 alpa chino got that pussy control 00:00:19.118 --> 00:00:21.018 alpa chino's Booty sweat. 00:00:21.120 --> 00:00:22.553 Pop an ass open! 00:00:22.655 --> 00:00:26.147 Booty sweat and bust-a-nut bars available at concessions now. 00:00:30.262 --> 00:00:34.392 In 2013, when the earth's rotation came to a halt... 00:00:34.500 --> 00:00:38.061 The president has declared all of north America a disaster area. 00:00:38.170 --> 00:00:40.866 I call on my fellow Americans to come together... 00:00:40.973 --> 00:00:45.000 The world called on the one man who could make a difference. 00:00:49.048 --> 00:00:53.075 When it happened again, the world called on him once more. 00:00:54.486 --> 00:01:00.356 And no one saw it coming three more times! 00:01:02.895 --> 00:01:04.556 Now, 00:01:04.663 --> 00:01:08.599 the one man who made a difference five times before, 00:01:11.036 --> 00:01:15.405 is about to make a difference again. 00:01:16.141 --> 00:01:20.237 Only this time, it's different. 00:01:22.081 --> 00:01:23.708 Who left the fridge open? 00:01:25.150 --> 00:01:27.084 Tugg speedman. 00:01:27.186 --> 00:01:31.953 Scorcher vl: Global meltdown. 00:01:32.057 --> 00:01:33.820 Here we go again. 00:01:35.361 --> 00:01:36.361 Again. 00:01:44.970 --> 00:01:47.837 Will there be anything else? 00:01:47.940 --> 00:01:51.137 Yes, my dear man. More beans. 00:01:52.945 --> 00:01:55.106 Granny! 00:01:57.049 --> 00:01:58.209 Please! 00:01:58.317 --> 00:02:03.277 This summer, America's favorite obese family is back. 00:02:06.158 --> 00:02:07.716 Gross! 00:02:07.826 --> 00:02:09.851 - You're just mad 'cause I'm skinny. - Am not! 00:02:10.429 --> 00:02:11.919 Jeff portnoy. 00:02:12.598 --> 00:02:14.065 Jeff portnoy. 00:02:14.666 --> 00:02:16.156 Jeff portnoy. 00:02:16.268 --> 00:02:22.366 And Jeff portnoy are the fatties: Fart two. 00:02:22.474 --> 00:02:24.305 In some countries, 00:02:25.511 --> 00:02:27.138 it's considered a compliment. 00:02:27.246 --> 00:02:30.443 Letting loose this summer. 00:02:39.725 --> 00:02:45.459 In a time where to be different was to be condemned, 00:02:59.211 --> 00:03:03.910 and to be condemned was to die, 00:03:08.153 --> 00:03:12.214 one man chose to question his God. 00:03:16.195 --> 00:03:17.890 From fox searchlight, 00:03:26.738 --> 00:03:29.969 five-time academy award winner kirk Lazarus 00:03:31.076 --> 00:03:35.410 and mtv movie award best kiss winner tobey Maguire. 00:03:41.787 --> 00:03:46.315 Winner of the Beijing film festival's coveted crying monkey award, 00:03:47.526 --> 00:03:49.517 Satan's alley. 00:03:54.032 --> 00:03:56.557 I've been a bad, bad boy, father. 00:04:32.070 --> 00:04:34.868 In the winter of 1969, 00:04:34.973 --> 00:04:36.998 an elite force of the U.S. army 00:04:37.109 --> 00:04:41.978 was sent on a top-secret assignment in southeast Vietnam. 00:04:42.080 --> 00:04:44.844 The objective, rescue sergeant four leaf tayback 00:04:44.950 --> 00:04:48.010 from a heavily guarded nva prison camp. 00:04:48.120 --> 00:04:51.214 The mission was considered to be near suicide. 00:04:52.524 --> 00:04:55.823 Of the 10 men sent, four returned. 00:04:55.928 --> 00:04:59.364 Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. 00:04:59.464 --> 00:05:02.433 Of those three, two were published. 00:05:02.534 --> 00:05:06.698 Of those two, just one got a movie deal. 00:05:08.207 --> 00:05:13.440 This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie. 00:05:24.256 --> 00:05:26.850 Whiskey fire old snake requests an lz prep 00:05:26.959 --> 00:05:29.519 at Alpha-delta-two-four-eight-niner, over. 00:05:34.833 --> 00:05:39.099 Floyd, this is lead. Right Echelon approach from rp to lz, acknowledge. 00:05:40.239 --> 00:05:42.002 Floyd, wall-eye airborne. Welcome aboard. 00:05:45.844 --> 00:05:47.573 All right, lead's going in. Give her some cover. 00:05:47.679 --> 00:05:50.512 Delivery on five. I repeat, delivery on five. 00:05:56.588 --> 00:05:58.886 This is zero-three. I'm on your six, don't worry. 00:05:59.224 --> 00:06:01.852 Chalk-three's taking fire. Guns right, guns right. 00:06:13.905 --> 00:06:16.032 Lay that shit down! 00:06:16.141 --> 00:06:17.438 Come on! 00:06:19.278 --> 00:06:21.576 Come on, you damn dirty heathens! 00:06:23.515 --> 00:06:25.710 Fats! Run your motherfucking ass over there, 00:06:25.817 --> 00:06:27.114 hold these men off, now! 00:06:27.219 --> 00:06:28.914 We're fixing to lift off! 00:06:29.021 --> 00:06:31.649 Put some pep in your step, dick! Jelly-ass bitch! 00:06:31.757 --> 00:06:35.056 Wall-eye, wall-eye, this is boomer one-seven in the zee! 00:06:35.894 --> 00:06:39.295 I need fast movers on my yankee smoke, copy? 00:06:39.398 --> 00:06:41.764 Boomer, this is wall-eye. I got two-Alpha-four 00:06:41.867 --> 00:06:44.097 - snake and nape on the ready! - Oh, Jesus! Holy shit! 00:06:44.202 --> 00:06:45.362 Holy shit! 00:06:45.470 --> 00:06:47.267 Get on that horn and get some firepower, boy! 00:06:47.372 --> 00:06:48.372 Jesus Christ! 00:06:48.440 --> 00:06:49.532 Listen, you cherry fuck, 00:06:49.641 --> 00:06:53.133 you call in that snake and nape and get us some boom-boom now! 00:06:53.245 --> 00:06:55.713 I'd do it myself but I'm kind of goddamn busy! 00:06:55.814 --> 00:06:57.179 I need an answer, boomer! 00:06:57.282 --> 00:06:58.977 Wall-eye, wall-eye! 00:06:59.418 --> 00:07:00.783 I copy! 00:07:01.019 --> 00:07:03.317 We got beaucoup zips in the zee. 00:07:03.422 --> 00:07:04.912 Rock and roll! 00:07:05.290 --> 00:07:06.780 What the fuck? 00:07:18.737 --> 00:07:21.171 That's for Brooklyn, motherfucker! 00:07:21.273 --> 00:07:23.207 I think I can put it back in! 00:07:23.308 --> 00:07:25.071 We got to get back to the bird. 00:07:25.177 --> 00:07:26.269 Lukemeyer's got popped! 00:07:26.378 --> 00:07:29.313 This is the last Christmas I spend with Victor Charlie up my ass! 00:07:29.481 --> 00:07:32.177 Want some? Get some! 00:07:32.617 --> 00:07:35.450 Hey, yo, fats! I ain't seen four leaf! 00:07:35.554 --> 00:07:38.750 Don't count him out! That bastard's got luck tattooed to his ass! 00:07:38.890 --> 00:07:41.882 Motown, get your Detroit jukebox jheri curl ass 00:07:41.993 --> 00:07:44.223 in this chickenshit chop-chop! Asafp! 00:07:44.329 --> 00:07:46.209 Four leaf is still outside the perimeter, sarge! 00:07:46.264 --> 00:07:49.290 Miss me with that cracker chump jive! We di di mau! We di di mau! 00:07:49.434 --> 00:07:51.061 Come on, sarge. Stop jiving. Four leaf is there. 00:07:51.169 --> 00:07:52.864 Dead meat, soldier! 00:07:53.071 --> 00:07:54.971 Or do you want to be a hero? 00:07:55.073 --> 00:07:57.073 That's just how Brooks got his Jew ass killed, man. 00:07:57.075 --> 00:07:59.771 And meatball's dago ass bought the six-by-three farm. 00:07:59.878 --> 00:08:03.575 Now get your ass up in the huey, before I stomp a trench in your hiney hole! 00:08:05.183 --> 00:08:06.582 Come on, get down, get down! 00:08:06.685 --> 00:08:08.710 What am I looking at? What is this? 00:08:09.621 --> 00:08:13.580 Come on, let's get, let's go! Come on, elevator up, up! 00:08:13.692 --> 00:08:16.217 Sarge. It's four leaf. 00:08:28.507 --> 00:08:29.565 No! 00:08:31.910 --> 00:08:33.434 You get out of that hole! 00:08:45.490 --> 00:08:47.355 You make it home, now. 00:08:54.800 --> 00:08:56.062 Survive! 00:09:10.849 --> 00:09:12.874 I hope y'all like hamburger meat. 00:09:12.984 --> 00:09:15.064 'Cause that's exactly what I'm gonna be bringing back 00:09:15.153 --> 00:09:17.178 and serving up in this whirly bird. 00:09:17.289 --> 00:09:19.780 Cover me, you limp dick fuckups! 00:09:25.430 --> 00:09:28.661 Peek-a-boo! I see you! 00:09:30.702 --> 00:09:32.431 Hold on, four leaf! 00:09:35.073 --> 00:09:36.404 Oh, shit! 00:09:44.216 --> 00:09:45.706 Watch my right! 00:09:48.487 --> 00:09:50.455 Fuck you, Charlie! 00:09:55.427 --> 00:09:57.691 Come on, leaf, let's boogie! 00:10:04.870 --> 00:10:07.730 No! 00:10:10.909 --> 00:10:13.002 - Fats! - Holy fuck! 00:10:14.279 --> 00:10:16.839 Take us over to those men! Shit! 00:10:21.319 --> 00:10:24.288 Look at you, man. Playing with grenades. 00:10:27.792 --> 00:10:29.054 I'm cold, Linc. 00:10:31.096 --> 00:10:32.927 I can't feel my legs. 00:10:34.065 --> 00:10:36.056 Ain't nothing but a thang. 00:10:39.638 --> 00:10:40.969 Hey, Linc. 00:10:41.940 --> 00:10:43.305 What, man? 00:10:44.543 --> 00:10:46.636 Why does man 00:10:46.745 --> 00:10:49.680 got to pick up sticks against another man? 00:10:51.883 --> 00:10:54.181 Instead of using them sticks to 00:10:55.554 --> 00:10:57.146 prop a man up? 00:10:57.255 --> 00:10:58.882 I'll never know. 00:11:00.191 --> 00:11:04.358 Hold my hands, 'cause I got something to... 00:11:04.462 --> 00:11:06.327 I got something to say. 00:11:07.732 --> 00:11:09.393 Oh, boy. 00:11:13.538 --> 00:11:16.234 - You holding 'em? - I got 'em tight. 00:11:18.977 --> 00:11:20.638 When we get back to the world, 00:11:21.112 --> 00:11:25.276 we gonna put together that three-piece combo band we talked about? 00:11:25.383 --> 00:11:28.375 - Me on stand-up bass. - Johnny on drums. 00:11:29.854 --> 00:11:31.981 And me tickling the ivories. 00:11:34.092 --> 00:11:37.357 I ain't never been worth a nothing in this life, 00:11:37.462 --> 00:11:40.226 but I want you to know something. 00:11:41.299 --> 00:11:42.596 What, man? 00:11:44.502 --> 00:11:45.799 You are my... 00:11:47.305 --> 00:11:49.000 You are my brother. 00:12:01.987 --> 00:12:07.015 You are my brother. You are my... you are my... 00:12:07.192 --> 00:12:08.819 I am your brother. 00:12:12.330 --> 00:12:14.059 I'm sorry. Could we cut? 00:12:14.165 --> 00:12:15.766 - What's he saying? - Damien, can we cut? 00:12:15.767 --> 00:12:17.428 - No. No, no, no, no, no... - All right, you know what? 00:12:17.535 --> 00:12:20.527 We got the jets coming in, big explosion, two minutes. 00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:21.731 Still rolling. 00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:23.467 You know what? No, not still rolling. Can we cut? 00:12:23.575 --> 00:12:25.236 - We're cutting. - No, we're not. Get out! 00:12:25.343 --> 00:12:27.343 Hey, what's going on? For real, my butt is hurting! 00:12:27.412 --> 00:12:29.539 This harness is riding up my crack! 00:12:29.648 --> 00:12:32.116 - Damien, are we cutting? - No! No! Still rolling! 00:12:32.217 --> 00:12:34.344 Mr. cockburn! Are we cutting, sir? 00:12:34.452 --> 00:12:37.615 No! No. I'm not cutting! We're still rolling! 00:12:37.722 --> 00:12:38.780 Damien, what's the dealy, dude? 00:12:38.890 --> 00:12:40.687 Are we gonna blow this tree line or what? 00:12:40.792 --> 00:12:42.353 Tuk tuk and Kim got the blue balls here. 00:12:42.460 --> 00:12:43.688 I'm gonna let them squirt if we're a go! 00:12:43.795 --> 00:12:46.115 - Play it through. Still rolling! - Dieter, can he hear me? 00:12:46.131 --> 00:12:48.691 That's c-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator. 00:12:48.800 --> 00:12:51.166 I need some dudes up here who speak American, God damn it! 00:12:51.269 --> 00:12:52.830 He's making a fucking sweater back here. 00:12:52.837 --> 00:12:55.169 I'm trying to put tiger balm on this jungle's nuts. 00:12:55.273 --> 00:12:56.433 Everyone, please shut up. 00:12:56.541 --> 00:12:58.742 The jets are coming in. We only have one chance at this! 00:12:58.810 --> 00:13:00.209 And go! 00:13:00.311 --> 00:13:02.609 Let's do it. You feel it? You feel me? 00:13:03.615 --> 00:13:05.981 - You are my... - I am your brother. 00:13:06.451 --> 00:13:08.316 We've seen it all, man. 00:13:09.054 --> 00:13:10.054 I'm sorry, Damien? 00:13:10.155 --> 00:13:11.452 Are you seeing that? 00:13:11.556 --> 00:13:13.956 The little froggy on the boom Mike? It's right in my eyeline. 00:13:15.860 --> 00:13:17.555 Donny! What's up, man? 00:13:18.229 --> 00:13:19.196 It's been there the whole show. 00:13:19.330 --> 00:13:20.354 Yeah, well it's right in my face, 00:13:20.465 --> 00:13:21.454 I'm staring at a frog, I'm trying to feel... 00:13:21.566 --> 00:13:24.126 It's always the yellow frog that brings them black frog on Fridays, man. 00:13:24.235 --> 00:13:25.930 Hell, no, I didn't pee on that girl. 00:13:26.037 --> 00:13:28.130 No, I didn't pee on her, listen, listen, listen, listen. No, no. 00:13:28.239 --> 00:13:30.764 The story is this. She was in the way when I was peeing, she walked past. 00:13:30.875 --> 00:13:33.241 What the fuck is going on here? 00:13:33.344 --> 00:13:35.505 On three, baby. One, two, breathe. 00:13:35.613 --> 00:13:38.138 Look, do me a favor. I don't want to do a countdown before I do the scene. 00:13:38.249 --> 00:13:39.307 - No countdown? - No countdown. 00:13:39.417 --> 00:13:40.611 - Okay. - Can we just do it off of "action"? 00:13:40.719 --> 00:13:42.277 Just... in your own time. 00:13:42.387 --> 00:13:44.184 - Good... - I'm not a rocket ship, okay? 00:13:44.289 --> 00:13:45.916 - All right, dude. - And action! 00:13:46.024 --> 00:13:48.959 Whatever floats your boat, baby. Fuck! Don't die! 00:13:49.060 --> 00:13:51.494 Erika, get me a vitaminwater! 00:13:51.596 --> 00:13:53.157 You know what it is, Damien? I'm sorry. 00:13:53.164 --> 00:13:57.567 Not to get into his thing, but if I'm crying, should osiris be crying, too? 00:13:57.669 --> 00:13:59.569 - No, it's everyone cry... - We cutting or we crying? 00:13:59.671 --> 00:14:01.002 - No, no, no, we're crying! - Just call it, man! 00:14:01.106 --> 00:14:03.233 - Kirk, you can cry. Tugg, you can cry. - Thanks! 00:14:03.341 --> 00:14:05.070 - Everybody cry... - You know what? 00:14:05.176 --> 00:14:07.144 - You see how agitated he is now? - I know. 00:14:07.245 --> 00:14:09.725 - Let's make lemonade. Let's go to work. - Okay. Still rolling! 00:14:10.081 --> 00:14:12.743 This is falcon one. We have the Ridge in sight, approximately two Miles out. 00:14:12.851 --> 00:14:15.115 Dieter, these jets are about to crest this Ridge line. 00:14:15.220 --> 00:14:17.154 They got about 200 pounds of shit your pants. 00:14:17.255 --> 00:14:18.695 I need to know if we're ready to go. 00:14:21.059 --> 00:14:23.357 - You're my... you're my... - I am your... 00:14:23.461 --> 00:14:26.919 See, that's what I think it is, Damien. I think it's the line. 00:14:27.031 --> 00:14:28.055 Yeah? 00:14:28.166 --> 00:14:30.031 I don't know if four leaf would say that... four leaf? 00:14:30.135 --> 00:14:32.467 Were you crying when your hands blew up? 00:14:32.570 --> 00:14:34.197 No. See, he didn't. Yeah, I mean, just that's what... 00:14:34.305 --> 00:14:35.863 So now we in re-writes, right? 00:14:35.974 --> 00:14:37.100 - Where you going? - Let's re-write it! 00:14:37.208 --> 00:14:39.369 Action Jackson can't cry. That's what's going down. 00:14:39.477 --> 00:14:41.445 You know what, kirk? I'm ready to do the scene! 00:14:41.546 --> 00:14:45.107 What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it? 00:14:45.216 --> 00:14:46.808 - Now it's time to flip the script! - Kirk... 00:14:46.918 --> 00:14:49.119 Be here till Chinese new year waiting for my man to cry. 00:14:49.287 --> 00:14:51.255 You're tangling me, you're fucking tangling me. 00:14:51.356 --> 00:14:52.636 You're tangling me, God damn it! 00:14:52.657 --> 00:14:55.490 - Kirk, no! - Stop tailgating me, you pasty tea bag! 00:14:55.593 --> 00:14:57.390 I'm going potty. You want to hold my dick? 00:14:57.862 --> 00:15:00.626 Shit! What are you fucking both doing, good lord! 00:15:00.799 --> 00:15:03.324 We're getting this in a wide shot, right? 00:15:03.434 --> 00:15:04.958 Of course we're getting it in a fucking wide. 00:15:05.069 --> 00:15:06.093 What, do you think I'm a dick or something? 00:15:06.204 --> 00:15:09.339 Get that fucking food... Here they come! 00:15:10.441 --> 00:15:12.841 - The planes are inbound! - Shit! Shit! 00:15:12.944 --> 00:15:17.847 Shit, shit, cocksucker, bollocks. Tropic tits! 00:15:17.949 --> 00:15:20.918 That's the signal! Go, go, go, go, go! 00:15:21.019 --> 00:15:23.078 Let's go freaking tet here! 00:15:23.188 --> 00:15:25.179 Goddamn shit-picking cock! 00:15:27.292 --> 00:15:28.884 That's my shit! 00:15:34.432 --> 00:15:37.367 Mother nature just pissed her pantsuit! 00:15:45.243 --> 00:15:46.471 - Sweet. - Oh, mama! 00:15:49.280 --> 00:15:51.544 Bungle in the jungle. 00:15:51.649 --> 00:15:54.743 More bad news from the vietnamese set of tropic thunder, 00:15:54.853 --> 00:15:58.584 where a $4 million explosion charred the Asian location 00:15:58.690 --> 00:16:00.658 and the camera wasn't even rolling. 00:16:00.758 --> 00:16:03.420 Financed by hotheaded mega-mogul les Grossman, 00:16:03.528 --> 00:16:06.622 the film is already rumored to be one month behind schedule 00:16:06.731 --> 00:16:09.598 just five days into shooting. The reason? 00:16:09.701 --> 00:16:12.636 Fingers are pointed at rookie director Damien cockburn, 00:16:12.737 --> 00:16:15.831 who, insiders say, can't control a star-studded cast, 00:16:15.940 --> 00:16:20.639 including flatulent star of the popular fatties franchise, Jeff portnoy. 00:16:20.745 --> 00:16:23.270 Let me tell you something. A lot of people are disrespecting me. 00:16:23.381 --> 00:16:27.112 They say that the movie's just about farts. It's about family, 00:16:27.218 --> 00:16:30.312 and... you! You can't do what I do. 00:16:30.421 --> 00:16:34.653 Fresh from his most recent arrest for heroin, glue and crack possession, 00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:37.125 portnoy was almost uninsurable. 00:16:37.228 --> 00:16:41.562 Also in the mix is Booty sweat-hocking hip-hop hyphenate alpa chino. 00:16:41.666 --> 00:16:44.157 I'm so excited, you know what I'm saying, about doing tropic thunder. 00:16:44.269 --> 00:16:46.430 Hey, drink Booty sweat, baby. Drink Booty sweat. 00:16:46.537 --> 00:16:48.198 But the real heavyweight on the set 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:49.217 is five-time academy award winner kirk Lazarus. 00:16:49.241 --> 00:16:51.082 Is five-time academy award winner kirk Lazarus. 00:16:51.109 --> 00:16:54.840 The brilliant Australian known for his bad boy antics off-screen 00:16:54.946 --> 00:16:58.541 is famous for his total immersion into any role he portrays. 00:16:58.650 --> 00:16:59.947 Well, being an actor is no different 00:17:00.051 --> 00:17:02.246 than being a rugby player or a construction worker, 00:17:02.353 --> 00:17:03.479 save for the fact that my tools 00:17:03.588 --> 00:17:05.647 are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion. 00:17:05.757 --> 00:17:07.816 Lazarus underwent a controversial 00:17:07.926 --> 00:17:10.918 pigmentation alteration procedure in order to play 00:17:11.029 --> 00:17:14.123 the platoon's African-American sergeant, Lincoln osiris. 00:17:14.232 --> 00:17:15.665 Yeah! 00:17:15.767 --> 00:17:17.632 Trying to hold his own onscreen with kirk 00:17:17.735 --> 00:17:19.862 is action juggernaut tugg speedman. 00:17:19.971 --> 00:17:22.769 Once the highest grossing star in the world, 00:17:22.874 --> 00:17:25.934 lately his scorcher films have lost their heat. 00:17:26.044 --> 00:17:28.638 Recently, speedman opened up to Tyra. 00:17:28.746 --> 00:17:30.680 You have no real family. 00:17:30.782 --> 00:17:35.219 You're on the wrong side of 40. You're childless and alone. 00:17:35.320 --> 00:17:37.015 Somebody close to you said, 00:17:37.121 --> 00:17:39.919 "one more flop and it's over." 00:17:42.026 --> 00:17:44.119 Somebody said they were close to me? 00:17:45.063 --> 00:17:46.189 It's been a tough year for tugg. 00:17:46.297 --> 00:17:49.061 The disappointing buddy comedy chitlin' & the dude 00:17:49.167 --> 00:17:53.831 was followed by an ill-advised venture into serious dramatic territory. 00:17:53.938 --> 00:17:55.030 Simple Jack, 00:17:55.139 --> 00:17:58.870 the story of a mentally impaired farmhand who can talk to animals, 00:17:58.977 --> 00:18:00.842 was a box office disaster 00:18:00.945 --> 00:18:05.541 that many critics called, "one of the worst movies of all time." 00:18:05.650 --> 00:18:09.279 I ain't got a good brain. 00:18:10.288 --> 00:18:13.189 I think you've got a fine brain, Jack. 00:18:13.291 --> 00:18:18.456 You make me happy. 00:18:19.998 --> 00:18:24.435 But now the question is, can speedman make audiences happy 00:18:24.535 --> 00:18:26.298 in what's being called the most expensive 00:18:26.404 --> 00:18:28.668 - war movie never made? - Rick peck. 00:18:28.773 --> 00:18:30.293 Wishing tugg all the best on that one. 00:18:30.375 --> 00:18:34.709 Rum-tum-tuggernauts, it's the pecker. You got time for your agent? 00:18:34.812 --> 00:18:36.074 - Rick? - Hey, buddy, 00:18:36.180 --> 00:18:37.738 guess who I'm staring at right now. 00:18:37.849 --> 00:18:39.510 - What? - I'm looking at your ugly mug 00:18:39.617 --> 00:18:41.915 on the back cover of vanity fair magazine, 00:18:42.020 --> 00:18:44.454 holding a cute, cuddly panda from cutesville. 00:18:44.555 --> 00:18:47.149 It is insane, bro. You are a rock star. 00:18:47.258 --> 00:18:49.852 Hey, did you get the gift basket I sent? 00:18:49.961 --> 00:18:50.985 From Rick. 00:18:51.095 --> 00:18:53.188 Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, man. Thanks. 00:18:53.297 --> 00:18:55.857 All right, that is a real satellite phone, bro. 00:18:55.967 --> 00:18:57.559 Do not re-gift. 00:18:57.668 --> 00:19:00.159 Hey. You see that access Hollywood piece? 00:19:00.271 --> 00:19:03.206 Yeah, I did. It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid. 00:19:03.307 --> 00:19:07.744 I mean, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, tugg. You are a huge star, all right? 00:19:07.845 --> 00:19:09.312 But right now, 00:19:09.414 --> 00:19:10.972 you're like that kid on the playground, you know, 00:19:11.082 --> 00:19:14.051 the one who has lice that none of the other kids want to play with? 00:19:14.152 --> 00:19:16.232 - What do you mean? - I mean we gotta shave your head 00:19:16.254 --> 00:19:18.722 and get you back on the monkey bars, right? 00:19:18.823 --> 00:19:20.154 What? 00:19:20.258 --> 00:19:22.123 How did the crying scene go? 00:19:22.226 --> 00:19:23.989 Horrible. Lazarus started crying. 00:19:24.095 --> 00:19:27.258 Then he starts drooling and dribbling, and it wasn't even in the script... 00:19:27.365 --> 00:19:28.457 Stop right there! 00:19:28.566 --> 00:19:30.295 You gotta buck up here, tuggboat. 00:19:30.401 --> 00:19:33.097 Who cares how much more talented he may be than you? 00:19:33.204 --> 00:19:36.571 If he cries, you cry harder, man. 00:19:36.674 --> 00:19:38.835 Didn't your dog have, like, leukemia or something 00:19:38.943 --> 00:19:40.308 when you were a kid? I mean, think of that. 00:19:40.411 --> 00:19:44.177 Boom! End of story. They hook up the TiVo yet? 00:19:44.282 --> 00:19:45.544 Good gosh. 00:19:45.650 --> 00:19:47.481 - What? - The TiVo, they hook it up? 00:19:47.585 --> 00:19:49.849 - No. The guy didn't come. - What? 00:19:49.954 --> 00:19:52.548 For fuck's sake, that is unacceptable. 00:19:52.657 --> 00:19:54.557 They have digital cable, but, I mean, it's okay. 00:19:54.659 --> 00:19:56.889 No, no, no. Come on, man. It's not okay. 00:19:56.994 --> 00:19:59.121 It is not okay, tugg! 00:19:59.230 --> 00:20:02.358 And you don't need to explain to me why you need TiVo 00:20:02.467 --> 00:20:06.403 or clean water, clean sheets, food, shelter. 00:20:06.504 --> 00:20:09.598 I mean, I fought for that in your contract. 00:20:09.707 --> 00:20:11.766 How's the adoption thing coming, buddy? 00:20:11.876 --> 00:20:13.901 Not too great. 00:20:17.148 --> 00:20:19.844 I feel like all the good ones are gone. 00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:23.817 Well, at least you get to choose yours. 00:20:23.921 --> 00:20:25.752 I'm stuck with mine. 00:20:27.658 --> 00:20:30.183 Tell you what, get back to work, genius soldier. 00:20:30.294 --> 00:20:33.161 The pecker's on a TiVo mission for the y-o-u. 00:20:33.264 --> 00:20:35.027 Work on those tears, my man. 00:20:35.133 --> 00:20:36.225 All right. Yeah. 00:20:36.334 --> 00:20:37.892 Say it for me one time. 00:20:38.002 --> 00:20:42.268 - You make me happy. - Make me happy. 00:20:42.373 --> 00:20:43.965 - I love you, buddy. - All right, bye. 00:20:44.876 --> 00:20:46.867 Crisis meeting? What does that mean, exactly? 00:20:46.978 --> 00:20:48.639 I mean, are we in a crisis? 00:20:48.746 --> 00:20:50.270 He's the head of the studio. 00:20:50.381 --> 00:20:52.747 He's reaching out. We're 10,000 Miles away. 00:20:52.850 --> 00:20:53.942 He just wants a little face-time. 00:20:54.051 --> 00:20:56.732 I know, it's just you said that he called it a crisis meeting. So... 00:20:56.754 --> 00:20:59.154 It's les Grossman. He throws these words around. 00:20:59.257 --> 00:21:03.660 "Crisis," "explosion," "not rolling," "fired." 00:21:03.761 --> 00:21:05.092 These are just words. 00:21:05.196 --> 00:21:07.289 Yeah! Yeah! 00:21:07.398 --> 00:21:10.697 Keep a secret? A camera truck in London just plowed into judi dench. 00:21:10.801 --> 00:21:11.927 Trust me, he's got bigger problems. 00:21:12.036 --> 00:21:14.504 Look, he may be able to see me, but I can't see him. 00:21:14.605 --> 00:21:19.133 - Move! Move! Hello, les! Hello! - Get your ass out of my... 00:21:19.243 --> 00:21:20.676 - Your feet were on my desk. - Can he see us? 00:21:20.778 --> 00:21:22.109 I don't know why we don't have... 00:21:22.213 --> 00:21:24.374 Get him a diet coke. Les! It's working! 00:21:24.482 --> 00:21:26.973 Yeah, whatever you're doing right there. Hello, les! 00:21:27.084 --> 00:21:28.483 - Hello, les! - Okay. 00:21:28.586 --> 00:21:30.645 We got you loud and clear here, les. 00:21:30.755 --> 00:21:34.452 I see you. I see you. I see you. 00:21:34.559 --> 00:21:37.687 Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien cockburn? 00:21:38.696 --> 00:21:40.220 That's me, sir. 00:21:40.331 --> 00:21:43.858 It's good to finally meet you at last, get some face-time. 00:21:43.968 --> 00:21:47.927 And who here is the key grip? You? You. 00:21:49.941 --> 00:21:53.399 Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard. 00:22:00.284 --> 00:22:01.615 Sorry, man. 00:22:08.125 --> 00:22:11.026 This is your fault, you limey fuck! 00:22:11.128 --> 00:22:12.993 You shit the money-bed, my friend. 00:22:13.097 --> 00:22:15.622 - What? - God damn it, Damien! 00:22:15.733 --> 00:22:18.827 With all due respect, les Grossman did not blow up the jungle. 00:22:18.936 --> 00:22:20.028 - What? - Fuck the jungle. 00:22:20.137 --> 00:22:21.468 Exactly! 00:22:22.173 --> 00:22:23.640 Come on, man. 00:22:24.375 --> 00:22:27.105 Hey, les, I understand if you're angry, 00:22:27.211 --> 00:22:29.202 but I am dealing with a bunch of prima Donnas! 00:22:29.313 --> 00:22:32.805 Clowns! Tugg speedman, he can't cry! He can't cry! 00:22:32.917 --> 00:22:35.317 You know how you handle an actor? They whine about anything, 00:22:35.419 --> 00:22:38.718 you pull down their pants and you spank their ass. 00:22:38.823 --> 00:22:41.018 - You spank that ass, les. - What? 00:22:41.125 --> 00:22:44.891 Spanking a child turns him into a little snot. 00:22:45.763 --> 00:22:48.664 Fear makes him a man. 00:22:49.700 --> 00:22:54.296 I know a place where a man's worth is measured 00:22:54.405 --> 00:22:58.205 in the ears hanging from his dog tags. 00:22:58.309 --> 00:23:01.039 The real deep shit. 00:23:01.145 --> 00:23:03.739 You wanna make this movie right? 00:23:03.848 --> 00:23:07.340 That's where you take your pansy-ass actors. 00:23:08.919 --> 00:23:10.784 Who is this guy? 00:23:10.888 --> 00:23:12.788 Les, that's four leaf. 00:23:12.890 --> 00:23:16.189 Sergeant four leaf tayback. I wrote the book. 00:23:18.396 --> 00:23:22.457 You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. 00:23:22.566 --> 00:23:25.535 Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job! 00:23:26.404 --> 00:23:27.871 - Look, cockburn. - Yes. 00:23:27.972 --> 00:23:31.999 From now on, my fist is gonna be so far up your shithole 00:23:32.109 --> 00:23:33.509 that every time you have a thought, 00:23:33.577 --> 00:23:36.603 it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring. 00:23:36.714 --> 00:23:40.241 Take control of your actors, or I will shut you down. 00:23:40.351 --> 00:23:41.443 Diet coke! 00:23:59.203 --> 00:24:01.398 One week down, two weeks behind, 00:24:01.505 --> 00:24:05.305 gi Joe can't cry, don't matter 'cause you ain't got the camera turned on anyway. 00:24:05.409 --> 00:24:06.808 Let's party! 00:24:07.745 --> 00:24:09.645 Man, you better get your shit straight, 00:24:09.747 --> 00:24:12.614 or I'll be on the next netjet out of here, baby. You feel me? 00:24:13.484 --> 00:24:14.484 - You feel that? - Yeah. 00:24:14.552 --> 00:24:17.077 Here comes another. There we go. Now what? 00:24:17.455 --> 00:24:19.787 - Sandusky. Good. - Hey, Mr. cockburn. 00:24:19.890 --> 00:24:21.755 We need to have a cast meeting right now. 00:24:21.859 --> 00:24:23.156 - Right now? Awesome. - Yes. 00:24:23.260 --> 00:24:24.454 You actually care, don't you? 00:24:24.562 --> 00:24:27.156 Yeah, it's a huge deal for me, are you kidding? 00:24:27.264 --> 00:24:29.232 I've spent the past two years of my life 00:24:29.333 --> 00:24:33.030 living off residuals from a anti-herpes medication commercial. 00:24:33.137 --> 00:24:34.297 I know, you're the only one who auditioned, 00:24:34.405 --> 00:24:35.963 the only one who did the two-week boot camp. 00:24:36.073 --> 00:24:37.734 Hey, hey, alpa. 00:24:38.442 --> 00:24:40.910 I'm the director. He's... I need to speak to my actor. 00:24:41.011 --> 00:24:42.239 All right, hold up. Chino? 00:24:42.346 --> 00:24:44.109 What? Hell, yo. What's up, baby? 00:24:45.049 --> 00:24:46.539 This about the Booty sweat cross-promotion? 00:24:46.650 --> 00:24:47.674 No, it's about the film. 00:24:47.785 --> 00:24:49.776 Oh, the film and Booty sweat's the same thing. Give him a shot. 00:24:50.154 --> 00:24:52.281 Hey, how you doing, Jeff? 00:24:52.390 --> 00:24:55.848 - Who are you? - That's awesome, man. 00:24:58.129 --> 00:25:02.862 Kevin. Kevin sandusky. I play Brooklyn, we've been working together. 00:25:02.967 --> 00:25:04.559 Oh, right, right. I like you. 00:25:04.668 --> 00:25:06.636 Man, it's a real honor to be here... 00:25:06.737 --> 00:25:08.034 I can tell it's gonna be a good experience. 00:25:08.139 --> 00:25:09.339 I'm really having a good time. 00:25:09.373 --> 00:25:11.000 Hey, can you help me out, man? I'm looking for this guy. 00:25:11.108 --> 00:25:15.272 The grip with the bandana. He's got a package for me. 00:25:15.746 --> 00:25:18.146 There he is, fucker. Dragon! 00:25:19.250 --> 00:25:21.081 What the fuck? Oh, buddy! 00:25:21.218 --> 00:25:22.583 I'm gonna go shoot a video, right? 00:25:22.686 --> 00:25:24.813 I'm gonna have v.C. Soldiers in the video 00:25:24.922 --> 00:25:26.219 doing the noodle-legs, Damien. 00:25:26.323 --> 00:25:30.692 Hell, yeah, do it. V.C. Soldiers doing the hip-hop bunny hop, Damien. 00:25:30.928 --> 00:25:32.688 It's good, I love it, great. But I need to... 00:25:32.696 --> 00:25:35.688 V.C. Soldiers doing the seizure, baby. Hit it, baby. 00:25:35.833 --> 00:25:37.494 Hell yeah, get it. Get it, cornbread. 00:25:39.670 --> 00:25:40.830 Alpa! 00:25:40.938 --> 00:25:42.418 Yo, check it out. Donny on the phone. 00:25:42.473 --> 00:25:43.473 Hello? Yo, yo, Donny! 00:25:43.541 --> 00:25:45.661 Can we call him back? I've got to have a cast meeting. 00:25:49.146 --> 00:25:51.478 When we put aside our differences, 00:25:51.582 --> 00:25:54.449 we see we're kind of the same. 00:25:55.352 --> 00:25:58.879 When we put aside our differences, we see 00:26:00.558 --> 00:26:02.423 we're kind of the same. 00:26:03.194 --> 00:26:04.991 Let's be friends. 00:26:05.296 --> 00:26:07.924 I know we can do great things together. 00:26:10.034 --> 00:26:13.800 That's a quotation from a children's book I co-wrote, 00:26:14.572 --> 00:26:16.699 the boy everybody was jealous of. 00:26:16.807 --> 00:26:18.536 I think it pertains to the journey... 00:26:18.642 --> 00:26:19.973 Simple Jack sucked ass! 00:26:21.045 --> 00:26:23.445 All right, who said that? It's not funny. 00:26:23.547 --> 00:26:25.310 Whoever it is, it's not funny, okay? 00:26:32.623 --> 00:26:35.319 When the herd loses its way, 00:26:35.426 --> 00:26:39.863 the Shepherd must kill the bull that leads them astray. 00:26:41.699 --> 00:26:44.964 - Four leaf? - Come on over. It's okay. 00:26:46.637 --> 00:26:48.127 - Sit down. - Yes. 00:26:49.540 --> 00:26:54.637 - So, you don't like the hotel? - Beds give me nightmares. 00:26:59.683 --> 00:27:04.882 I'm guessing right about now you couldn't find a Dixie coonskin 00:27:04.989 --> 00:27:09.323 with an Ohio hooker holding your prick and showing you the way. 00:27:16.133 --> 00:27:17.464 What? 00:27:17.701 --> 00:27:19.293 You're a riddle 00:27:20.804 --> 00:27:23.739 with no cheese to maze through. 00:27:25.643 --> 00:27:26.643 Don't you get it? 00:27:26.710 --> 00:27:30.441 No, I don't. I'm a cock of the mouse or something. I don't know. 00:27:30.548 --> 00:27:34.484 I put my story in your limp brit hands, 00:27:34.585 --> 00:27:38.021 and you are not going to fail me. 00:27:38.122 --> 00:27:41.717 You think I was just blowing my own bagpipe in that meeting? 00:27:41.825 --> 00:27:45.659 You must put those boys in the shit. 00:27:45.763 --> 00:27:47.321 What? I don't understand. 00:27:47.431 --> 00:27:50.696 - You wanna make your movie or not? - Yes, I do. 00:27:50.801 --> 00:27:54.293 All right, you get some of those little video type cameras. 00:27:54.405 --> 00:27:58.034 We take them out there, and we put them in the trees in different angles. 00:27:58.142 --> 00:28:01.475 Then you give me and that pyromaniac Cody 00:28:01.579 --> 00:28:06.448 all the smoke bombs, charges, explosives, detonators you got. 00:28:06.550 --> 00:28:08.984 Then we take those boys up there, 00:28:09.086 --> 00:28:12.180 me and Cody, we could light up that fucking jungle, 00:28:12.289 --> 00:28:15.224 so those lily-dick actors would be shitting their pants 00:28:15.326 --> 00:28:17.317 and screaming for their mammies. 00:28:17.428 --> 00:28:20.886 They'd be begging for a body bag if it means a ride home. 00:28:23.734 --> 00:28:25.258 I could do it. 00:28:26.036 --> 00:28:29.472 I could shoot the whole thing guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty. 00:28:29.573 --> 00:28:32.906 Get them away from their helpers and ass-licking assistants. 00:28:33.010 --> 00:28:34.102 Put them in the real shit. 00:28:34.211 --> 00:28:35.405 - Real shit. - With real fear in their eyes! 00:28:35.512 --> 00:28:38.572 Real fear, real emotion! Yes, four leaf, yes! 00:28:38.682 --> 00:28:40.775 - Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes! 00:28:40.884 --> 00:28:42.647 Take them off the fucking grid! 00:29:00.104 --> 00:29:02.868 You are no longer actors in a movie! 00:29:03.974 --> 00:29:06.704 You are five men in a helicopter! 00:29:08.479 --> 00:29:10.242 With three other men! 00:29:15.886 --> 00:29:17.410 How long are we gonna be gone, anyways? 00:29:17.521 --> 00:29:21.582 'Cause I left most of my vitamins back at the hotel. 00:29:21.692 --> 00:29:24.252 - Save your breath, maggots! - That's right, maggots! 00:29:36.340 --> 00:29:37.602 M&M? 00:29:39.510 --> 00:29:40.807 M&M? 00:30:00.597 --> 00:30:04.133 Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper! 00:30:04.568 --> 00:30:07.731 Move it, maggots, move! Move, grunts, move your ass! 00:30:07.838 --> 00:30:10.136 Get out, you wriggly worms! 00:30:10.240 --> 00:30:12.708 - It's up too high! - Move, move, move! 00:30:16.180 --> 00:30:17.909 See you in hell! 00:30:29.426 --> 00:30:33.624 This is bullshit! I gotta at least call my fucking assistant. 00:30:34.898 --> 00:30:37.628 Fucking! Jesus! Dude! 00:30:39.103 --> 00:30:41.333 You're sitting on a nest of hostile enemy v.C. 00:30:41.438 --> 00:30:44.874 Congratulations, fats. You just got us all killed. 00:30:45.876 --> 00:30:49.471 Anybody else care to give away our position to Charlie? 00:30:49.580 --> 00:30:51.343 Cell phones! 00:30:51.448 --> 00:30:52.915 What the hell, Damien? 00:30:53.016 --> 00:30:56.713 Weren't no cell phones in '69, man. I'm head-to-toe legitimate. 00:30:56.820 --> 00:31:00.221 Gentlemen, I've got good news and bad news. 00:31:00.324 --> 00:31:03.816 The studio wants to shut us down. That's the bad news. 00:31:03.961 --> 00:31:06.259 And the good news. 00:31:06.363 --> 00:31:09.264 If you wanna save this movie, you will become a unit. 00:31:09.366 --> 00:31:13.132 Your objective is to head north to the d'ang kwook river 00:31:13.237 --> 00:31:14.727 and liberate the pow camp, 00:31:14.838 --> 00:31:18.103 at which point four leaf will get himself captured, 00:31:18.208 --> 00:31:20.005 at which point you will rescue him, 00:31:20.110 --> 00:31:23.477 at which point we will chopper you home! 00:31:24.681 --> 00:31:25.773 Damn. 00:31:25.883 --> 00:31:27.680 Four leaf, since you're the staff sergeant, 00:31:27.785 --> 00:31:30.185 there's the map, this is the scene list. 00:31:30.287 --> 00:31:32.414 Think you can handle it? 00:31:32.523 --> 00:31:36.721 We have rigged this entire valley of death with hidden cameras. 00:31:38.195 --> 00:31:41.824 And I will be shooting as well, from unseen vantage points, 00:31:41.932 --> 00:31:45.527 so that every glorious moment is captured on film. 00:31:46.804 --> 00:31:49.967 And believe me, gentlemen, it will be glorious. 00:31:50.073 --> 00:31:52.598 If it looks real, chances are it probably is. 00:31:52.709 --> 00:31:54.301 You wanted to be actors. 00:31:54.411 --> 00:31:57.005 You wanted to occupy the skin of another human being. 00:31:57.114 --> 00:32:00.106 Well, get ready to occupy the skin of a terrified U.S. infantry grunt, 00:32:00.217 --> 00:32:03.983 surrounded by death, crawling up Satan's bottom. 00:32:05.022 --> 00:32:09.721 There'll be ambushes, enemy fire, your own little personal slice of 'nam. 00:32:09.827 --> 00:32:14.423 This radio goes to the chopper and the chopper only. 00:32:14.531 --> 00:32:18.968 The chopper is God, and I am Jesus Christ, his son. 00:32:19.069 --> 00:32:21.765 You are my chosen disciples. 00:32:21.872 --> 00:32:24.898 And no one gets to go home till we get the shots. 00:32:25.008 --> 00:32:28.034 Put on your war faces, gentlemen. 00:32:28.145 --> 00:32:32.844 Now, let's go and make the greatest war movie ever! 00:32:32.950 --> 00:32:35.282 - Yeah! - All right! 00:32:54.037 --> 00:32:55.095 Yeah! 00:33:00.544 --> 00:33:01.602 Yeah! 00:33:14.157 --> 00:33:16.057 Not bad, cockburn! 00:33:17.895 --> 00:33:19.089 Not bad. 00:33:20.797 --> 00:33:22.389 Wherever you are! 00:33:24.401 --> 00:33:27.461 Wherever he is? Looks like he's all over the place. 00:33:29.273 --> 00:33:31.173 Here we go. 00:33:31.275 --> 00:33:33.300 Must be an old French mine. 00:33:33.410 --> 00:33:36.868 It's a remnant from colonial indo-China. This jungle must be full of them. 00:33:38.949 --> 00:33:42.407 Don't you get it? He's messing with our heads. 00:33:42.519 --> 00:33:44.544 That's what all that playing God stuff was about. 00:33:44.655 --> 00:33:47.215 He's trying to get us to act good, save the movie. 00:33:47.324 --> 00:33:50.350 He ain't playing God. He's being judged by him. 00:33:54.364 --> 00:33:57.060 That's our objective. Complete the mission. 00:34:03.273 --> 00:34:06.174 No offense, kirk, I know you're the big fancy actor here, 00:34:06.276 --> 00:34:10.178 but I've done a lot more effects-driven event films than you. Okay? 00:34:10.280 --> 00:34:11.679 And I think I can spot 00:34:13.784 --> 00:34:15.308 a prop head when I see one. 00:34:15.419 --> 00:34:16.909 Oh, Jesus. 00:34:18.121 --> 00:34:21.613 It's corn syrup, guys. Corn syrup and latex. 00:34:24.828 --> 00:34:27.956 Warm, blood-flavored corn syrup. 00:34:28.065 --> 00:34:29.191 Oh, God. 00:34:29.833 --> 00:34:32.961 Smoke and mirrors, guys. Welcome to the movie factory. 00:34:33.070 --> 00:34:34.264 Oldest trick in the book. 00:34:36.273 --> 00:34:37.570 He getting down now. 00:34:37.674 --> 00:34:39.039 Oh, my God! 00:34:41.845 --> 00:34:43.904 Whoa, look at me! 00:34:44.014 --> 00:34:45.481 You're going to get the shots, 00:34:45.582 --> 00:34:48.574 and I'm going to make sure because I'm the director. 00:34:48.685 --> 00:34:50.812 I'm from London. I direct plays. 00:34:50.921 --> 00:34:53.947 Hey, Damien! We got our war faces on! 00:35:03.967 --> 00:35:05.662 Look, I'm Dave Beckham. 00:35:15.312 --> 00:35:17.712 So, we gotta light these boys up today, huh? 00:35:17.814 --> 00:35:20.009 Blow some sense into these young men. 00:35:20.984 --> 00:35:23.885 Hey, I don't want to come off as weird or anything, 00:35:23.987 --> 00:35:27.923 but I might be your biggest fan. Yeah. 00:35:29.292 --> 00:35:32.784 Tropic thunder. Kind of like my catcher in the rye. 00:35:34.031 --> 00:35:36.261 Yeah, I've never been in the military, per se, 00:35:36.366 --> 00:35:38.800 but I have lost an appendage in the line of duty. 00:35:40.604 --> 00:35:42.834 Driving miss Daisy, first studio gig. 00:35:43.607 --> 00:35:44.665 Yeah. 00:35:45.175 --> 00:35:47.973 It's a pretty cool sidearm you got there. What is it? 00:35:48.078 --> 00:35:49.739 I don't know what it's called. 00:35:50.881 --> 00:35:55.614 I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man's life. 00:35:58.755 --> 00:35:59.813 Okay. 00:36:00.390 --> 00:36:01.630 Damien, we're go for explosion. 00:36:01.725 --> 00:36:04.523 Ready to kick the tires and light the fires on your say-so. 00:36:04.628 --> 00:36:06.357 Damien, we're go for explosion. 00:36:07.497 --> 00:36:08.521 Do you copy? 00:36:08.632 --> 00:36:11.499 I got an itchy trigger finger here, and I'm ready to blow some shit up. 00:36:11.601 --> 00:36:15.230 All right, you happy now? Can we do the scene? 00:36:15.338 --> 00:36:17.966 Or do you need a formal invitation? Come on, let's go! 00:36:19.776 --> 00:36:20.868 Here. Okay. 00:36:20.977 --> 00:36:23.172 "Scene 12, exterior, jungle clearing, day, ambush. 00:36:28.718 --> 00:36:30.652 "Four leaf notices movement in the brush. 00:36:30.754 --> 00:36:33.780 "A dozen guerrilla fighters can be seen moving in the tree line. 00:36:33.890 --> 00:36:36.450 "Somewhere a mine explodes." And you. 00:36:37.794 --> 00:36:39.819 "I got a bad feeling on this one." 00:36:39.930 --> 00:36:41.420 - Yeah. - No, that's your line. 00:36:41.531 --> 00:36:44.398 - I got... now? - Yeah, but scared. Like, scared. 00:36:44.501 --> 00:36:47.231 - "I got a bad feeling on this one." - Dude, wait, like how? 00:36:47.337 --> 00:36:49.168 "I got a bad feeling on this one." 00:36:49.272 --> 00:36:51.365 - Okay. - Action. Go, come on. 00:37:00.383 --> 00:37:03.250 I got a bad feeling on this one there, fats. 00:37:04.588 --> 00:37:07.989 Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, 00:37:08.091 --> 00:37:09.922 first thing I'm doing is paying my two bucks 00:37:10.026 --> 00:37:11.653 so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry 00:37:11.761 --> 00:37:14.457 on a sweet little mama-San's dinky dau poontang. 00:37:14.564 --> 00:37:17.465 Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged before he get any cooch. 00:37:17.567 --> 00:37:20.798 He die, he probably die a coochless motherfucker. 00:37:20.904 --> 00:37:22.303 Zip it, motown. 00:37:22.405 --> 00:37:23.963 Don't you worry, Brooklyn. 00:37:24.074 --> 00:37:26.133 You got a lot of days of fucking ahead of you. 00:37:28.245 --> 00:37:29.837 Man, I'm thirsty. 00:37:30.947 --> 00:37:35.907 Might as well have some of this Booty sweat I got back in danang. 00:37:36.786 --> 00:37:40.278 Yo, asshole! This motherfucker's dead! 00:37:40.390 --> 00:37:42.187 Ain't no criss angel mindfreak, 00:37:42.292 --> 00:37:45.625 David Blaine trapdoor horseshit jumping off here! 00:37:45.729 --> 00:37:49.495 Hey! You wanna get on the train here, or do you wanna ruin another take? 00:37:49.599 --> 00:37:52.932 There ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture! 00:37:53.904 --> 00:37:55.667 - You sure? - Yeah. 00:37:55.772 --> 00:37:57.569 - Yeah? - For certain, man. 00:37:57.674 --> 00:37:59.574 Then why are you still in character? 00:38:01.144 --> 00:38:03.112 I know, but I don't have to tell you. 00:38:04.247 --> 00:38:05.305 You don't know. 00:38:05.415 --> 00:38:08.350 Man, I don't drop character till I done a DVD commentary. 00:38:11.121 --> 00:38:13.282 You happy now? We're out of position for the effects! 00:38:13.390 --> 00:38:15.119 Get down, fool! 00:38:16.826 --> 00:38:19.727 Didn't anyone read the script? This is the ambush! 00:38:21.131 --> 00:38:24.794 - This feels pretty real! - Exactly! Let's use it. 00:38:35.412 --> 00:38:36.572 Yeah! 00:38:37.847 --> 00:38:39.212 Yeah! 00:38:41.818 --> 00:38:43.080 Eat lead! 00:38:45.055 --> 00:38:47.421 They're busting caps like a motherfucker down there. 00:38:50.694 --> 00:38:52.787 This is fubar. I say we juice them. 00:38:52.896 --> 00:38:54.386 - What do you think? - Juice them. 00:38:56.800 --> 00:38:59.291 Fuck you, Charlie! 00:39:01.371 --> 00:39:02.838 Big-ass titties! 00:39:08.812 --> 00:39:10.439 Look at that, huh? 00:39:15.719 --> 00:39:16.913 And cut! 00:39:19.189 --> 00:39:21.020 That's the trailer right there. 00:39:21.124 --> 00:39:22.421 Yeah! 00:39:22.525 --> 00:39:24.789 - What do we do now? - Yeah. 00:39:24.894 --> 00:39:26.418 North. Man said to head north. 00:39:26.529 --> 00:39:29.862 - Did you see me shooting? - That's how we do. Good work, baby. 00:39:29.966 --> 00:39:31.024 I believed it. 00:39:31.134 --> 00:39:32.294 D'ang kwook river. 00:39:32.936 --> 00:39:34.335 I'm betting he's got more of these battles 00:39:34.437 --> 00:39:37.167 and viet congs rigged for us along the way. 00:39:37.274 --> 00:39:41.040 Sergeant osiris, get your men. Load and lock. 00:39:41.711 --> 00:39:43.474 Real, baby, I'm real. 00:39:44.547 --> 00:39:47.345 Let's go! We got a lot of klicks to cover! 00:39:48.485 --> 00:39:51.511 Hump it up, gentlemen! Single formation. 00:39:51.621 --> 00:39:53.452 Don't dawdle now! 00:40:17.580 --> 00:40:21.846 D-rod, d-rod, this is puddingface. How are we coming on that hotplate? 00:40:24.487 --> 00:40:27.786 Something's up. I think we better drag ass back there. 00:40:27.891 --> 00:40:30.587 Make sure Damien ain't forgot how to use his talkbox again. 00:40:38.335 --> 00:40:41.304 Yeah, baby, come on. Just a little taste. 00:40:42.906 --> 00:40:45.033 - What are you doing, Jeff? - Fucking... nothing, man! 00:40:45.141 --> 00:40:48.474 - I'm eating jellybeans. - Wow, I love jellybeans. Can I please... 00:40:48.578 --> 00:40:51.308 No, you can't have any fucking jellybeans. 00:40:51.414 --> 00:40:52.506 They're mine. 00:40:52.615 --> 00:40:53.775 You think you're the only one who gets sick 00:40:53.883 --> 00:40:55.578 when he doesn't have his jellybeans? 00:40:55.685 --> 00:40:57.084 Boundaries, man. Fuck. 00:41:17.006 --> 00:41:19.702 Hey. I didn't mean to show you up back there. 00:41:19.809 --> 00:41:23.939 It's just, I feel like we really need to set the example for the other guys. 00:41:24.047 --> 00:41:25.947 It's gonna be tough, 00:41:26.049 --> 00:41:29.075 but I think Damien's gonna get some great shit out of us. 00:41:30.620 --> 00:41:32.380 Just wish I had a director like this on Jack. 00:41:32.455 --> 00:41:34.946 On Jack. What? Jack? What you talking about? 00:41:36.159 --> 00:41:38.127 - Simple Jack. - Oh, yeah. 00:41:39.629 --> 00:41:42.860 Simple Jack, yeah. You went all out on that one, huh? 00:41:42.966 --> 00:41:45.230 You did. Really swung for the fences, huh? 00:41:45.335 --> 00:41:47.735 Thank you. Thanks. Yeah. 00:41:47.837 --> 00:41:50.738 Yeah, it was an intense experience, you know. 00:41:51.441 --> 00:41:53.534 I just did the work. 00:41:53.643 --> 00:41:57.443 Watched a lot of retarded people. Spent time with them. Observed them. 00:41:58.748 --> 00:42:00.909 Watched all the retarded stuff they did. 00:42:01.017 --> 00:42:02.780 Then again, I always found mere observation 00:42:02.886 --> 00:42:05.184 in and of itself is a tad rudimentary. 00:42:05.288 --> 00:42:08.348 Sometimes, we gotta dig deeper to mine the true emotional pay dirt. 00:42:08.458 --> 00:42:12.792 Thus, we can diagram the source of the pain and then live it, you know. 00:42:12.896 --> 00:42:14.955 Yeah, yeah, live it. Yeah, exactly. 00:42:15.064 --> 00:42:17.794 You know, there were times when I was doing Jack 00:42:17.901 --> 00:42:20.369 that I actually felt retarded, 00:42:20.470 --> 00:42:21.835 - like really retarded. - Oh, yeah. 00:42:21.938 --> 00:42:24.133 I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded, 00:42:24.240 --> 00:42:26.037 - I rode the bus retarded. - Damn. 00:42:26.142 --> 00:42:29.373 In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up 00:42:29.479 --> 00:42:32.448 to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb. 00:42:32.549 --> 00:42:34.107 - To be a moron. - Yeah. 00:42:34.217 --> 00:42:36.947 - To be moronical. - Exactly, to be a moron. 00:42:37.053 --> 00:42:38.418 - An imbecile. - Yeah. 00:42:38.521 --> 00:42:41.388 Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived. 00:42:41.491 --> 00:42:42.651 When I was playing the character. 00:42:42.759 --> 00:42:45.353 - When you was the character. - Yeah, as Jack, definitely. 00:42:45.462 --> 00:42:47.657 Jack, stupid ass Jack. 00:42:47.764 --> 00:42:49.026 Trying to come back from that. 00:42:49.132 --> 00:42:53.262 In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind 00:42:53.369 --> 00:42:56.338 into believing that it wasn't retarded, 00:42:56.439 --> 00:42:58.240 and by the end of the whole thing, I was like, 00:42:58.274 --> 00:43:02.802 "wait a minute, I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jumpstart it up again?" 00:43:02.912 --> 00:43:04.971 - It's just like... right? - Yeah. 00:43:05.081 --> 00:43:07.845 You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off. 00:43:07.951 --> 00:43:09.816 Yeah. 00:43:09.919 --> 00:43:12.217 But simple Jack thought he was smart, 00:43:12.322 --> 00:43:13.619 or rather, didn't think he was retarded, 00:43:13.723 --> 00:43:16.590 so you can't afford to play retarded, being a smart actor. 00:43:16.693 --> 00:43:19.184 Playing a guy who ain't smart but thinks he is, 00:43:19.295 --> 00:43:20.922 - that's tricky. - Tricky. 00:43:21.030 --> 00:43:24.557 It's like working with Mercury. It's high science, man. It's an art form. 00:43:24.667 --> 00:43:26.692 - Yeah. - You an artist. 00:43:26.803 --> 00:43:28.600 - That's what we do, right? Yeah. - Yeah. 00:43:28.705 --> 00:43:29.967 Hats off for going there, 00:43:30.073 --> 00:43:32.803 especially knowing how the academy is about that shit. 00:43:36.513 --> 00:43:40.040 - About what? - You're serious? You don't know? 00:43:42.252 --> 00:43:44.277 Everybody knows you never go full retard. 00:43:45.822 --> 00:43:47.915 - What do you mean? - Check it out. 00:43:48.057 --> 00:43:52.153 Dustin Hoffman, rain man, looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded. 00:43:52.262 --> 00:43:56.358 Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. 00:43:57.233 --> 00:43:59.098 Then you got tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. 00:43:59.202 --> 00:44:01.500 Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs. 00:44:01.604 --> 00:44:04.505 But he charmed the pants off Nixon, and he won a ping-pong competition. 00:44:04.607 --> 00:44:05.631 That ain't retarded. 00:44:05.775 --> 00:44:09.711 And he was a goddamn war hero. You know any retarded war heroes? 00:44:11.648 --> 00:44:13.639 You went full retard, man. 00:44:15.184 --> 00:44:16.549 Never go full retard. 00:44:17.554 --> 00:44:21.115 You don't buy that? Ask Sean penn, 2001, I am Sam. 00:44:21.224 --> 00:44:24.523 Remember? Went full retard? Went home empty-handed. 00:44:34.370 --> 00:44:37.567 Oh, my God! Holy shit! 00:44:38.241 --> 00:44:40.937 Good job, turd. You killed the director. 00:44:41.044 --> 00:44:42.306 No, that's impossible, man. 00:44:42.412 --> 00:44:45.279 I rigged the whole tree line, and this is here. 00:44:45.415 --> 00:44:46.939 - He must have missed his mark. - Missed his mark? 00:44:47.050 --> 00:44:48.278 Yeah, this isn't me. 00:44:48.384 --> 00:44:51.182 Come on, let's bag and tag the bastard and get back to the hotel. 00:44:51.287 --> 00:44:53.983 - You're in a world of hurt, dumbo! - We're in a world of hurt! 00:44:54.090 --> 00:44:56.285 - You're in trouble. - This isn't just on me! 00:44:56.392 --> 00:44:58.622 - We're in a... we're together on this. - Bullshit. 00:44:58.728 --> 00:45:00.195 You're just gonna run away. You're gonna leave. 00:45:00.296 --> 00:45:02.056 What happened to, "no man left behind," okay? 00:45:02.065 --> 00:45:04.329 Just wait, just wait! Listen! Listen, okay? 00:45:04.434 --> 00:45:07.164 - I don't wanna hear it. - Let me just be real with you, all right? 00:45:07.270 --> 00:45:10.569 I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis on freaky Friday, okay? 00:45:10.673 --> 00:45:12.004 This shit will fucking ruin me! 00:45:12.108 --> 00:45:14.068 - Just get off me! You're pathetic. - No, I'm not. 00:45:14.110 --> 00:45:16.578 - Get off me! - You are not going back! 00:45:19.949 --> 00:45:21.883 - What the fuck? - Now wait a minute. 00:45:32.261 --> 00:45:34.957 So, what? We're just supposed to keep walking? 00:45:35.064 --> 00:45:37.931 Try to stay in character. Remember, we're on camera. 00:45:38.067 --> 00:45:39.067 This thing's too heavy. 00:45:39.135 --> 00:45:40.568 I want the rubber one that the prop guy gave me. 00:45:40.670 --> 00:45:42.934 Where's the fucking prop guy? 00:45:47.910 --> 00:45:50.504 How's it going with that map, chief? 00:45:50.613 --> 00:45:53.207 - Can I have a look at it? - I got it. 00:45:53.316 --> 00:45:54.874 Yeah, Damien gave it to me, remember? 00:45:54.984 --> 00:45:56.474 Yeah, but he gave it to you for us. 00:45:56.586 --> 00:45:58.213 - Yeah. - Okay. 00:45:58.321 --> 00:46:00.846 - I got it. - You got it upside down. 00:46:00.990 --> 00:46:01.990 Thank you. 00:46:02.091 --> 00:46:03.649 Letters go one way and the numbers another. 00:46:03.760 --> 00:46:05.318 Dude, I'm trying to... I got your back, man. 00:46:05.428 --> 00:46:07.191 - Well, I'm cool. All right, I'm cool. - You are? 00:46:07.296 --> 00:46:09.161 Is your character dyslexic? 00:46:09.265 --> 00:46:10.994 - No, my character's not dyslexic. - So you a cartographer. 00:46:11.100 --> 00:46:12.931 I'm tired, I want to go home. 00:46:13.036 --> 00:46:15.596 Why, so you can get back and make fatties: Fart 20, or some shit? 00:46:15.672 --> 00:46:18.607 It's fatties: Fart two, there's no... hey, you wish you had a fatties franchise. 00:46:18.708 --> 00:46:19.988 - What? - It's fatties: Fart two. 00:46:20.043 --> 00:46:21.271 - Yeah, you do. - I don't want no fatties franchise, 00:46:21.377 --> 00:46:23.777 - I got a diamond toilet. - Your stupid-ass commercials. 00:46:23.880 --> 00:46:25.347 You're all fucked up, man, you look tired. 00:46:25.448 --> 00:46:26.574 You look like you bumped your head or something, 00:46:26.683 --> 00:46:28.514 so I came over to see if you're fucking all right, that's all. 00:46:28.618 --> 00:46:30.643 - Yeah, why don't you get on point? - I'm on point right here. 00:46:30.753 --> 00:46:31.777 My farts are fucking more beautiful than... 00:46:31.888 --> 00:46:34.448 You still got that shit upside down. 00:46:35.058 --> 00:46:36.538 The numbers help, man, the numbers... 00:46:36.559 --> 00:46:38.789 The letters go across the top and then the numbers. 00:46:38.895 --> 00:46:40.453 - Want the map? - Yeah, I want the fucking map. 00:46:40.563 --> 00:46:41.996 Well, you can't have it, 'cause Damien gave it me. 00:46:42.098 --> 00:46:45.261 You wish you had my farts, my farts are fucking music. 00:46:45.368 --> 00:46:47.734 All right. That's enough. 00:46:49.205 --> 00:46:52.936 Everybody's obviously a little bushed from all this humping. 00:46:53.543 --> 00:46:56.034 So take a chow break. Chow break! 00:46:57.847 --> 00:46:59.405 But stay alert. 00:46:59.982 --> 00:47:03.474 Remember, Charlie don't care if you're on break or not. 00:47:08.558 --> 00:47:11.493 All right, that's lunch. Coming back to the same scene afterwards, 00:47:11.594 --> 00:47:12.959 "lost in the goddamn jungle." 00:47:13.062 --> 00:47:14.062 Captain simple Jack. 00:47:15.031 --> 00:47:16.031 Fuck you. 00:47:24.941 --> 00:47:26.499 I fucking hate movies. 00:47:28.845 --> 00:47:31.678 This is bullshit. I don't wanna be in this shitty movie. 00:47:41.524 --> 00:47:44.288 No! That's my jellybeans! No! 00:47:44.393 --> 00:47:49.057 Kid, grab the bat! Please! Shit! 00:47:49.165 --> 00:47:52.430 - Yo, man, I got a bust-a-nut. - You go to hell! There he is. 00:47:55.872 --> 00:47:58.807 God damn it! Okay. Where'd he go? 00:47:59.776 --> 00:48:02.256 You little piece of shit! I'm gonna fucking rip your wings off! 00:48:04.180 --> 00:48:07.206 Sanducci. Hold up, man, keep it on the down-low. 00:48:08.618 --> 00:48:10.899 I don't really gotta piss. I'm trying to talk at you, man. 00:48:10.953 --> 00:48:12.580 Bait, I need bait. 00:48:13.723 --> 00:48:17.420 You went to boot camp, right? You can read a map? 00:48:17.527 --> 00:48:18.755 Yeah, I think so. 00:48:18.861 --> 00:48:21.557 I know speedman got everyone convinced we out here 00:48:21.664 --> 00:48:25.464 making planet of the apes on YouTube or some shit, but I don't buy it. 00:48:25.568 --> 00:48:28.036 You wanna step on a real landmine? You wanna die? 00:48:28.838 --> 00:48:30.533 You wanna get shot by a real motherfucker? 00:48:30.640 --> 00:48:33.803 - Keep looking ahead, man. - No, of course not. 00:48:34.210 --> 00:48:36.371 Trying to get home, man. 00:48:36.479 --> 00:48:38.140 Got a big job coming up next year. 00:48:38.247 --> 00:48:39.680 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 00:48:39.782 --> 00:48:42.307 It's about Abe Lincoln and John wilkes booth when they were both young. 00:48:42.418 --> 00:48:43.510 - Oh, wow! - Yeah. 00:48:43.619 --> 00:48:46.110 - That's a classy picture. - Dude, you kind of look like Abe. 00:48:46.222 --> 00:48:47.689 Slap a beard on you. 00:48:47.790 --> 00:48:49.815 - What's your fucking name? - Really? It's Kevin. 00:48:49.926 --> 00:48:51.917 - Kevin sandusky. - Yeah. 00:48:52.595 --> 00:48:56.156 If I can put that map in your hands, can I count on you? 00:48:56.566 --> 00:49:00.093 - Well, yeah, I guess you can. - Dynamite. I'm out. 00:49:03.773 --> 00:49:06.207 That smelled just like bologna for some reason. 00:49:06.309 --> 00:49:08.834 Is anyone gonna fucking help me get this fucking thing? 00:49:09.545 --> 00:49:12.105 Why are they even out in the daytime? 00:49:14.317 --> 00:49:18.754 I'm gonna level with you, bro. I don't need to pee. I need to talk to you. 00:49:24.994 --> 00:49:28.760 Lazarus is gonna torpedo the movie. 00:49:30.967 --> 00:49:32.696 He's way out on a limb with this character, 00:49:32.802 --> 00:49:34.633 and I think he's getting cold feet. 00:49:35.938 --> 00:49:38.736 And the men respect you, 'cause you went to boot camp 00:49:38.841 --> 00:49:40.468 and rehearsal. 00:49:41.510 --> 00:49:44.035 - Can I count on you, Kyle. - It's Kevin. 00:49:44.146 --> 00:49:45.204 Good. 00:49:46.782 --> 00:49:49.649 If you want I could give the map a look-see. 00:49:49.752 --> 00:49:51.913 - I'll handle the map. - Okay. 00:49:52.021 --> 00:49:55.252 You stick with the program, we get this movie in the can, 00:49:55.358 --> 00:49:59.055 I'm thinking there could be a teen choice award in it for you. 00:49:59.161 --> 00:50:03.359 You have that potential. They'll slime you, the whole deal. 00:50:03.466 --> 00:50:07.095 - Yeah, that's wicked. - Good. 00:50:13.009 --> 00:50:15.102 There it is! Yeah, now you're dead! 00:50:16.279 --> 00:50:17.507 You o.D.'D! 00:50:19.081 --> 00:50:20.412 Hold up now, Jeff. 00:50:22.818 --> 00:50:24.217 Fucking hell! 00:50:25.855 --> 00:50:28.915 What the hell, Jeff? That's a bat, man! 00:50:29.025 --> 00:50:31.493 I don't have any more jellybeans. 00:50:38.100 --> 00:50:39.897 You land there! 00:50:54.817 --> 00:50:57.217 Wow. Look at these ruins. 00:50:59.388 --> 00:51:03.825 - Where the hell are we? - D'ang kwook river. 00:51:03.926 --> 00:51:06.292 That so? How do you know that? How you sure? 00:51:06.395 --> 00:51:08.590 Only one way to find out, dude. Let's go. 00:51:08.698 --> 00:51:13.795 Yeah. I'm not feeling so good right now. Seriously, my skin hurts! 00:51:13.903 --> 00:51:16.337 Enough from the peanut gallery! Into the water, ladies! 00:51:16.439 --> 00:51:18.507 No, man. Let me take a look at that map right quick. 00:51:18.674 --> 00:51:20.354 Why is everybody all obsessed with the map? 00:51:20.376 --> 00:51:22.401 'Cause we're tired of being your trail donkeys! 00:51:22.511 --> 00:51:24.911 Acting like you some one-man GPS! 00:51:25.014 --> 00:51:28.882 God damn it! We lost! We fucking super lost, man! 00:51:28.985 --> 00:51:31.112 Tell him, mcclusky. Tell him what time it is. 00:51:31.220 --> 00:51:32.778 I don't believe you people. 00:51:34.523 --> 00:51:36.218 What do you mean "you people"? 00:51:38.894 --> 00:51:41.488 What do you mean, "you people"? 00:51:41.597 --> 00:51:43.588 I think what tugg means is... 00:51:43.699 --> 00:51:45.064 No, look at his eyes, man. 00:51:45.167 --> 00:51:47.897 You people, you actors. You people... - Look at them beady, white devil eyes. 00:51:48.004 --> 00:51:49.605 I gotta get back to the hotel, for real! 00:51:49.638 --> 00:51:51.606 - Hell, no! - Silence! 00:51:52.641 --> 00:51:55.303 Chill! All right? Just chill it. 00:51:56.812 --> 00:52:00.009 Now, let's go get those viet congs. 00:52:00.850 --> 00:52:02.408 - "Viet cong"! - What? 00:52:02.918 --> 00:52:05.944 It's "viet cong." There's no "s." It's already plural. 00:52:06.055 --> 00:52:07.647 You wouldn't say "Chineses." 00:52:09.025 --> 00:52:11.459 All right, that's enough of this insubordination! 00:52:11.560 --> 00:52:14.358 If the machine breaks down, we break down. 00:52:14.463 --> 00:52:16.988 Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy 00:52:17.099 --> 00:52:18.739 and then Rambo ii, he got all shredded up? 00:52:18.801 --> 00:52:21.668 - Yeah. - That's kind of how you look right now. 00:52:21.771 --> 00:52:23.329 - Yeah? - Not Rambo I but ii. 00:52:23.439 --> 00:52:25.168 - Really? - Yeah, when he was cut up. 00:52:25.274 --> 00:52:27.640 I'm not that... I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know... 00:52:27.743 --> 00:52:30.439 Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man. 00:52:30.546 --> 00:52:32.036 - Thanks. - What's the secret, dude? 00:52:32.148 --> 00:52:33.513 - It's a diet. I'm just dieting. - Really? 00:52:33.616 --> 00:52:36.608 'Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... it's tough. 00:52:36.719 --> 00:52:38.209 - You look good. - Any tips? 00:52:38.320 --> 00:52:40.015 - What? - Any tips, you got? 00:52:40.122 --> 00:52:41.248 There's, like, the pineapple... 00:52:41.357 --> 00:52:43.655 - Give me that goddamn map! Fuck you! - Hey! 00:52:43.759 --> 00:52:45.351 - Hey! - All right, now! 00:52:45.461 --> 00:52:47.895 What it is, sikorski? Tell us where we really at. 00:52:47.997 --> 00:52:49.988 That's fucking bullshit! It's a chump move. 00:52:50.025 --> 00:52:51.959 We just getting a second opinion, doc. 00:52:53.795 --> 00:52:55.057 We're going the wrong way! 00:52:55.163 --> 00:52:56.255 - Damn! - Son of a bitch. 00:52:56.365 --> 00:53:00.825 God! I think we were supposed to be doing this, 00:53:00.936 --> 00:53:03.837 and instead we did this. 00:53:03.939 --> 00:53:07.568 Shit, shit, shit, shitty shit, shit! 00:53:07.676 --> 00:53:10.201 Think you can get us back to that drop zone, boy? 00:53:11.146 --> 00:53:12.545 This is not cool! 00:53:15.250 --> 00:53:16.376 Maybe. 00:53:17.819 --> 00:53:19.309 This is insane! 00:53:20.589 --> 00:53:22.921 Are you really going to abandon this movie? 00:53:23.725 --> 00:53:25.920 We're supposed to be a unit! 00:53:26.028 --> 00:53:27.552 Suck my unit! 00:53:28.430 --> 00:53:30.227 All right, fine. 00:53:30.332 --> 00:53:35.235 - I'll finish it by myself. - You go be all you can be, man. 00:53:35.337 --> 00:53:37.328 Tugg, you have no idea where you're going! 00:53:37.439 --> 00:53:39.236 Yes, I do! 00:53:39.341 --> 00:53:43.869 I'm going to, "exterior, rain forest, dusk. 00:53:43.979 --> 00:53:48.439 "Smash cut to four leaf, who treks alone through a frightening jungle." 00:53:48.550 --> 00:53:50.484 Suck on that unit, kirk! 00:54:04.066 --> 00:54:07.058 Come on, men. Let's get home. 00:54:45.240 --> 00:54:49.904 Hello, Mr. mantis. You're beautiful. 00:54:52.180 --> 00:54:54.114 Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo 00:54:54.216 --> 00:54:55.945 where Hollywood was split into schisms, 00:54:56.051 --> 00:54:59.452 some studios backing blu-ray disc, others backing hd DVD. 00:54:59.554 --> 00:55:00.646 People thought it would come down to 00:55:00.755 --> 00:55:03.019 pixel rate or refresh rate, and they're pretty much the same. 00:55:03.125 --> 00:55:06.925 What it came down to was a combination of gamers and porn. 00:55:07.028 --> 00:55:08.757 Now, whichever format porno backs 00:55:08.864 --> 00:55:12.698 is usually the one that becomes the most successful. 00:55:12.801 --> 00:55:15.793 But, you know, Sony, every playstation 3 has a blu-ray in it. 00:55:15.904 --> 00:55:17.633 You talking to me this whole time? 00:55:18.373 --> 00:55:19.670 I was talking to whoever was listening to me. 00:55:19.774 --> 00:55:21.241 Jesus Christ, man! 00:55:39.661 --> 00:55:41.720 Booty sweat. 00:55:47.769 --> 00:55:49.168 Oh, God! 00:55:51.406 --> 00:55:55.968 It's cold! It's freezing. I'm fucking cold. 00:55:56.077 --> 00:55:58.272 You want my flak jacket? 00:55:58.380 --> 00:56:02.248 What, are you insane? It's boiling! It's like a sweat lodge out here! 00:56:02.350 --> 00:56:05.183 Keep the volume down on that bitching, flatch Adams. 00:56:05.287 --> 00:56:07.187 I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit! 00:56:07.289 --> 00:56:09.257 - How we doing? We making good time? - We're making good time, 00:56:09.357 --> 00:56:12.485 but there's no way we make it over that Ridge before sundown. 00:56:12.594 --> 00:56:15.085 All right, fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up! 00:56:15.197 --> 00:56:17.495 - Oh, God. - Y'all might be in for a treat. 00:56:17.599 --> 00:56:18.998 You know, back before the war broked out, 00:56:19.100 --> 00:56:21.830 I was a saucier in San antone. 00:56:21.937 --> 00:56:24.565 I bet I could collar up some of them Greens. 00:56:24.673 --> 00:56:28.973 Yeah, noodle some crawfish out the paddy, yo. 00:56:29.077 --> 00:56:33.104 And maybe some crab apples for dessert, now, you hear? Hell, yeah! 00:56:34.449 --> 00:56:35.711 Hell, yeah! 00:56:35.817 --> 00:56:40.015 That's how we all talk. We all talk like this, suh! Yes, suh. 00:56:40.121 --> 00:56:45.354 Yeah, get some crawfish and some ribs. 00:56:45.460 --> 00:56:50.329 You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, kangaroo Jack. 00:56:54.569 --> 00:56:56.969 I get excited about my foods, man. 00:58:22.590 --> 00:58:25.024 Die! 00:58:38.940 --> 00:58:41.033 No! 00:58:47.582 --> 00:58:51.882 Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we? 00:58:51.986 --> 00:58:54.386 I have no idea. 00:58:54.489 --> 00:58:57.049 I've never been outside the states. 00:58:57.158 --> 00:58:59.319 Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding me? 00:58:59.427 --> 00:59:01.418 Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? 00:59:01.529 --> 00:59:02.894 Dude, were you even in the fucking service? 00:59:02.997 --> 00:59:05.659 Yes. Of course. Coast guard. 00:59:05.767 --> 00:59:07.667 - Coast guard. - Sanitation department. 00:59:07.769 --> 00:59:10.465 Oh, my God! You're a fucking garbage man! 00:59:10.572 --> 00:59:14.303 Damn it. F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. of a. 00:59:14.409 --> 00:59:17.071 I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot! 00:59:17.178 --> 00:59:19.237 Yeah, you're the milli vanilli of patriots, okay? 00:59:19.347 --> 00:59:21.042 You lied about fighting the Vietnam war. 00:59:21.149 --> 00:59:24.414 It's like punching the American flag in the face, God damn it. 00:59:24.519 --> 00:59:25.959 God, and to think I believed in you! 00:59:26.054 --> 00:59:28.420 - I don't wanna be next to you. - Writers lie all the time. 00:59:28.523 --> 00:59:30.650 Can I be tied to another post? Okay. 00:59:51.968 --> 00:59:53.799 - Rick? - Tugg. 00:59:53.903 --> 00:59:55.962 I killed one, Rick. 00:59:57.106 --> 00:59:59.506 The thing I love most in the world. 00:59:59.608 --> 01:00:01.439 Vivica, get off the line now! 01:00:03.746 --> 01:00:06.146 A hooker. All right, you killed a hooker. 01:00:06.248 --> 01:00:08.307 Calm down. Here's what you're gonna do. 01:00:08.417 --> 01:00:09.617 Get your hands on some bleach, 01:00:09.685 --> 01:00:12.051 some hydrogen peroxide and a shitload of lime. 01:00:12.154 --> 01:00:13.644 No, a panda. 01:00:13.756 --> 01:00:15.519 I killed a panda. 01:00:15.624 --> 01:00:17.421 Amanda? Come on, dude. 01:00:17.526 --> 01:00:19.551 I mean, that's probably not even her real name. 01:00:19.662 --> 01:00:21.323 No, a panda! 01:00:21.430 --> 01:00:22.795 A panda? 01:00:22.898 --> 01:00:27.535 A sweet, cuddly, vicious little panda. 01:00:27.670 --> 01:00:30.605 Jesus Christ, tugg! Man, don't scare me like that! 01:00:30.706 --> 01:00:31.866 It's beautiful here. 01:00:31.974 --> 01:00:33.464 You on the set? 01:00:33.576 --> 01:00:34.838 I am the set. 01:00:34.944 --> 01:00:37.913 All right, man. Hey, how's the TiVo working out? 01:00:38.014 --> 01:00:39.242 Screw TiVo. 01:00:39.348 --> 01:00:41.816 I'm way beyond TiVo. 01:00:41.917 --> 01:00:44.010 Last I checked, they hadn't hooked it up, though. 01:00:44.120 --> 01:00:47.419 Hadn't hooked it up? No TiVo? 01:00:47.523 --> 01:00:49.354 It doesn't matter anymore. 01:00:52.194 --> 01:00:53.661 I've moved on. 01:00:54.397 --> 01:00:56.126 Where have you moved on to? 01:00:56.232 --> 01:00:57.722 Another agency? 01:00:59.268 --> 01:01:00.792 Who's with you? 01:01:00.903 --> 01:01:03.064 It's Nick Stevens, isn't it? That little fucker. 01:01:03.172 --> 01:01:07.268 You are still my client, tugg speedman! I am getting the TiVo! 01:01:07.376 --> 01:01:09.571 Jacket's on, I'm out the door! 01:01:09.678 --> 01:01:10.736 Tugg? 01:01:14.050 --> 01:01:15.347 Please don't fire me. 01:01:16.218 --> 01:01:17.412 I did it, I did it! 01:01:17.520 --> 01:01:19.852 Vivica, what do I have scheduled this afternoon? 01:01:19.955 --> 01:01:22.822 - Two and a half men taping. - Shit. 01:01:23.826 --> 01:01:24.850 Cancel it. 01:01:24.960 --> 01:01:26.621 And get me tugg's tropic thunder contract. 01:01:26.729 --> 01:01:29.857 I'm going to Grossman's office, I'm playing the card. 01:01:29.965 --> 01:01:30.965 Okay. 01:01:34.537 --> 01:01:37.438 Oh, mama. Thirsty. 01:01:37.573 --> 01:01:39.632 He doesn't look too good. 01:01:39.742 --> 01:01:44.770 Must drink, so I can throw something up! 01:01:44.880 --> 01:01:47.007 No, no. Don't drink that water! That water's like a petri dish! 01:01:47.116 --> 01:01:48.208 No, don't! 01:01:48.317 --> 01:01:50.842 Alpa, do you have any Booty sweat? 01:01:50.953 --> 01:01:53.319 Yeah, get him chugging on some of alpa's ass water. 01:01:53.422 --> 01:01:55.356 That'll bring him around. It's a cure-all. 01:01:55.458 --> 01:01:57.358 Man, what you coming out in movies for anyway? 01:01:57.460 --> 01:01:59.121 Did you need another revenue stream? 01:01:59.228 --> 01:02:02.026 For your information, my revenue stream 01:02:02.131 --> 01:02:04.463 currently generates $2 million a year 01:02:04.567 --> 01:02:06.501 in charitable contributions for my community. 01:02:06.602 --> 01:02:08.934 - Hot damn. - And why am I in this movie? 01:02:09.038 --> 01:02:11.370 Maybe I just knew I had to represent, 01:02:11.474 --> 01:02:13.271 because they had one good part in it for a black man 01:02:13.375 --> 01:02:15.434 and they gave it to crocodile dundee. 01:02:17.046 --> 01:02:20.607 Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure. 01:02:20.716 --> 01:02:22.843 I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your Barbie. 01:02:22.952 --> 01:02:24.078 That shit ain't funny. 01:02:24.186 --> 01:02:26.882 Hey, fellas! It's hot! We're tired! It stinks! 01:02:26.989 --> 01:02:28.590 I'm just fucking with you, kangaroo Jack! 01:02:28.657 --> 01:02:30.386 I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby. 01:02:30.493 --> 01:02:32.961 You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid. 01:02:33.062 --> 01:02:35.724 - You about to cross some fucking lines. - Guys, relax and stuff. 01:02:35.831 --> 01:02:36.889 You know what? Fuck that, man! 01:02:36.999 --> 01:02:39.661 I'm sick of this koala-hugging nigger telling me... 01:02:44.406 --> 01:02:45.964 For 400 years, 01:02:47.009 --> 01:02:49.910 that word has kept us down. 01:02:50.980 --> 01:02:52.607 What the fuck? 01:02:52.715 --> 01:02:56.481 It took a whole lot of trying just to get up that hill. 01:02:56.585 --> 01:02:59.486 Now we up in the big leagues, 01:02:59.588 --> 01:03:01.351 getting our turn at bat. 01:03:01.457 --> 01:03:04.119 Long as we live, it's you and me, baby. 01:03:04.793 --> 01:03:08.126 That's the theme song for the jeffersons. You really need help. 01:03:08.230 --> 01:03:11.358 Yeah. Just 'cause it's the theme song, don't make it not true. 01:03:11.467 --> 01:03:13.401 You know what? I'm gonna tell you what's true. 01:03:13.502 --> 01:03:16.938 I'm gonna tag you back. You better believe that, baby. 01:03:17.039 --> 01:03:19.633 Guys! Hey, guys! 01:03:20.242 --> 01:03:22.710 Jeff, stay away from that animal. 01:03:25.080 --> 01:03:27.913 I'm gonna bite his hide. I need... 01:03:28.951 --> 01:03:32.216 I need to wear his stomach skin like a unitard. 01:03:33.189 --> 01:03:36.488 Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body! 01:03:36.592 --> 01:03:41.461 Now, if Mr. portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk, 01:03:41.564 --> 01:03:43.623 put him up on that cloven-hoof animal! 01:03:45.000 --> 01:03:46.297 We got ground to cover! 01:04:15.297 --> 01:04:18.562 All right, pow camp, scene 67. 01:04:19.468 --> 01:04:21.197 Bring it on, cockburn! 01:04:29.278 --> 01:04:31.712 Maybe he's not, you know, Ridley Scott or something, 01:04:31.814 --> 01:04:33.611 but I think renny harlin's a tremendous filmmaker 01:04:33.716 --> 01:04:36.514 like, adventures of Ford fairlane, you know, 01:04:36.619 --> 01:04:40.248 as far as an Andrew Dice Clay vehicle goes, it's pretty decent. 01:04:40.356 --> 01:04:42.790 And cliffhanger. Cliffhanger's incredible. 01:04:42.891 --> 01:04:46.349 As far as the whole like, man against nature type of movies go, 01:04:46.462 --> 01:04:48.623 it's absolutely amazing. 01:04:48.731 --> 01:04:50.631 Shut the fuck up! 01:04:55.271 --> 01:04:56.932 Who send you here? 01:04:57.039 --> 01:05:01.669 Tayback, John, sergeant, United States army. 01:05:02.411 --> 01:05:07.815 Serial number 694529987. 01:05:11.620 --> 01:05:14.612 Perhaps some hot tea will make conversing 01:05:14.723 --> 01:05:16.486 a little easier. 01:05:20.262 --> 01:05:22.355 My leader's not quite as cordial. 01:05:25.834 --> 01:05:28.701 Look, what? I just thought you might like some hot tea 01:05:28.804 --> 01:05:32.331 - in order to calm your nerves. - Tayback, John, sergeant, 01:05:32.474 --> 01:05:37.434 United States army, 694529987. 01:05:38.280 --> 01:05:43.809 And here's a little message from my Uncle Sam. 01:05:49.458 --> 01:05:51.824 Dude, you all right? 01:05:51.927 --> 01:05:53.360 Man you totally leaned into that. 01:05:53.462 --> 01:05:56.522 I was pulling it back and you just came in too... 01:05:56.632 --> 01:05:58.827 Hey, it was an accident, man. 01:06:01.370 --> 01:06:03.304 Come on, good. You want to keep going? 01:06:03.405 --> 01:06:04.997 - Let's go. - Get up. 01:06:05.107 --> 01:06:06.699 I rather rot in your v.C. Jail! 01:06:06.809 --> 01:06:10.677 I'll never bend to your will! You scum! You scum! 01:06:10.779 --> 01:06:12.804 Now say this and go to the beginning again, 01:06:12.915 --> 01:06:14.678 let's do the tea part, okay? 01:06:16.218 --> 01:06:17.651 Dude, I hope you're not pissed. 01:06:17.986 --> 01:06:19.783 I see moss on both sides of that tree. 01:06:19.888 --> 01:06:23.016 Well, you know, maybe if I wasn't the only one at boot camp... 01:06:23.125 --> 01:06:25.025 My belly really hurts, you guys! 01:06:25.127 --> 01:06:27.322 I'm not joking around, I'm nauseous. 01:06:27.429 --> 01:06:29.670 Let me off, I gotta puke! I don't wanna die like hendrix! 01:06:29.765 --> 01:06:31.426 All right. All right. 01:06:36.004 --> 01:06:37.995 Are you okay, Jeff? 01:06:38.107 --> 01:06:39.472 I'm awesome. 01:06:41.877 --> 01:06:43.344 Holy shit! 01:06:47.883 --> 01:06:50.044 Okay. Everyone, down, down, down. 01:06:54.757 --> 01:06:56.247 Man. Now I'm tripping. 01:06:56.358 --> 01:06:58.986 That looks like the pow camp from out the script, yo. 01:06:59.862 --> 01:07:01.557 Speedman was right? 01:07:01.663 --> 01:07:03.028 I don't think so. 01:07:03.132 --> 01:07:05.362 Look at the cooking vats, the armed guards. 01:07:06.969 --> 01:07:09.062 Looks like a heroin processing plant. 01:07:10.172 --> 01:07:11.298 We were in that chopper for hours. 01:07:11.407 --> 01:07:13.671 I don't even think we're in Vietnam anymore. 01:07:13.776 --> 01:07:16.210 - Fuck. - Shit. We ain't even in 'nam? 01:07:16.311 --> 01:07:19.075 No, most likely Myanmar or Laos. 01:07:19.181 --> 01:07:20.739 What the fuck is Laos? 01:07:20.849 --> 01:07:22.009 It's the golden triangle. 01:07:22.117 --> 01:07:24.085 Oh, fuck. We're dead. 01:07:24.186 --> 01:07:26.154 No one gets out of here. I saw it on TV. 01:07:26.255 --> 01:07:30.282 Fucking boats, airplanes, ufos and shit, they all just vanish! 01:07:30.392 --> 01:07:32.917 Yo, that's the Bermuda triangle, dumbass. 01:07:33.028 --> 01:07:35.394 This is the golden triangle. 01:07:35.497 --> 01:07:37.098 It's the world's hard drug superhighway. 01:07:37.166 --> 01:07:38.463 How do you know that? 01:07:38.567 --> 01:07:41.297 It was a really long trip. I read the in-flight magazine. 01:07:43.105 --> 01:07:44.402 Cut! 01:07:44.506 --> 01:07:45.973 Oh, Jesus! 01:07:46.074 --> 01:07:48.565 What do you see, man? I'm blocked. 01:07:48.677 --> 01:07:50.042 Damien, cut! 01:07:51.814 --> 01:07:53.406 Hey, Damien, cut! 01:07:54.249 --> 01:07:55.910 They got speedman. 01:07:56.485 --> 01:07:57.918 And it doesn't look good. 01:08:30.586 --> 01:08:31.883 I am tran. 01:08:32.855 --> 01:08:35.016 You are a trespasser in my poppy fields. 01:08:36.425 --> 01:08:39.053 You are d.E.A. Scum! 01:08:40.996 --> 01:08:44.432 Were there some re-writes that I missed? 01:08:50.739 --> 01:08:52.229 Do you want to die? 01:08:53.008 --> 01:08:54.475 - Do you? - No! 01:08:54.576 --> 01:08:58.706 Please, don't hurt me! 01:09:06.588 --> 01:09:07.782 Say that again. 01:09:08.790 --> 01:09:10.587 Please, don't hurt me. 01:09:10.692 --> 01:09:13.786 No! Like you did before! Say it! 01:09:14.763 --> 01:09:15.763 Say it! 01:09:15.864 --> 01:09:19.857 Please, don't hurt me! 01:09:35.484 --> 01:09:38.078 - What? - You are simple Jack. 01:09:41.056 --> 01:09:42.921 You saw simple Jack? 01:09:43.025 --> 01:09:45.357 We love the tale of this man, simple Jack. 01:09:47.062 --> 01:09:48.893 We do not have many luxury here. 01:09:48.997 --> 01:09:51.431 And simple Jack is the only movie we possess. 01:09:51.533 --> 01:09:55.367 You got the vhs. 01:09:55.470 --> 01:09:57.529 We've watched it many, many times. 01:09:57.639 --> 01:10:00.107 You should've got Oscar. 01:10:03.145 --> 01:10:04.908 Well, you know. It's... 01:10:06.181 --> 01:10:08.777 Just to be nominated... You were nominated? 01:10:08.884 --> 01:10:10.408 No, no, no. I wasn't nominated. 01:10:10.519 --> 01:10:13.682 I'm just saying that to have been nominated would have been nice. 01:10:13.789 --> 01:10:16.189 It's just... it's very political. You have to take out ads... 01:10:16.258 --> 01:10:18.749 - Shut up now! - Okay. Okay. 01:10:19.595 --> 01:10:21.324 So, are you going to 01:10:22.965 --> 01:10:24.592 let me go, or... 01:10:24.700 --> 01:10:26.827 No. We'll hold you for ransom. 01:10:26.935 --> 01:10:28.732 Much more money now! 01:10:40.315 --> 01:10:41.315 He's in a meeting. 01:10:41.416 --> 01:10:44.180 Yeah, I know. In about two seconds with the pecker. 01:10:45.220 --> 01:10:47.085 I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off. 01:10:47.189 --> 01:10:49.851 You wanna talk about trouble? That's trouble. 01:10:49.958 --> 01:10:51.516 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 01:10:53.428 --> 01:10:55.328 What do you need, peck? 01:10:55.430 --> 01:10:58.058 No, more like what do you need, les? 01:10:58.166 --> 01:10:59.360 Glasses? 01:11:00.435 --> 01:11:01.493 What? 01:11:01.603 --> 01:11:04.094 So you can read the tropic thunder contract 01:11:04.206 --> 01:11:06.606 that guarantees my client, tugg speedman, 01:11:06.708 --> 01:11:10.439 some form of digital video recorder on location. 01:11:11.213 --> 01:11:13.340 - Huh? - I can't believe you let him in. 01:11:14.983 --> 01:11:17.816 Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy, so why don't you get the hell out of here 01:11:17.919 --> 01:11:20.979 before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass? 01:11:21.089 --> 01:11:23.114 No, not you, Helen. 01:11:23.225 --> 01:11:26.922 But I will rip your tits off if you don't get me those theaters. 01:11:27.029 --> 01:11:28.553 Perfect. 01:11:28.664 --> 01:11:31.098 Hey, tuggernuts, I've got you on speakerphone. 01:11:31.199 --> 01:11:33.064 I'm standing here with les Grossman, 01:11:33.168 --> 01:11:36.331 and he is dying to tell you why he's apparently wiped his ass 01:11:36.438 --> 01:11:38.736 with the TiVo clause from your contract. 01:11:39.941 --> 01:11:41.932 We are flaming dragon. 01:11:42.044 --> 01:11:44.410 Speedman is with us now. 01:11:44.513 --> 01:11:48.074 For 50 million, you will get him back. 01:11:48.183 --> 01:11:50.344 - Are you gonna get those... - Who is this? 01:11:50.452 --> 01:11:53.148 - And how did you get this phone? - We are flaming dragon! 01:11:53.255 --> 01:11:55.155 Simple Jack belong to us now. 01:11:57.893 --> 01:11:59.918 He does, does he? 01:12:00.028 --> 01:12:02.496 Let me tell you something, shitbird. 01:12:02.597 --> 01:12:05.031 I've never even heard of your little agency. 01:12:05.133 --> 01:12:07.101 But if you think you can poach my client... 01:12:07.202 --> 01:12:11.730 Send $50 million, or you no see simple Jack again because we kill him. 01:12:11.840 --> 01:12:13.330 This is les Grossman. Who is this? 01:12:13.442 --> 01:12:15.740 This is flaming dragon! 01:12:15.844 --> 01:12:18.608 Okay. Flaming dragon. Fuckface. 01:12:18.714 --> 01:12:23.549 First, take a big step back and literally fuck your own face! 01:12:24.920 --> 01:12:27.650 Now, I don't know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play 01:12:27.756 --> 01:12:30.224 you're trying to pull here, but Asia, Jack, is my territory. 01:12:30.325 --> 01:12:31.622 So whatever you're thinking, you better think again. 01:12:31.727 --> 01:12:33.092 Otherwise, I'm gonna have to head down there, 01:12:33.195 --> 01:12:36.562 and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you. 01:12:36.665 --> 01:12:38.292 You're gonna have to call the fucking united nations 01:12:38.400 --> 01:12:42.427 and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. 01:12:42.537 --> 01:12:45.131 I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! 01:12:45.240 --> 01:12:47.003 I will massacre you! 01:12:47.109 --> 01:12:49.043 I will fuck you up! 01:12:56.852 --> 01:12:58.892 - Could you find out who that was? Go. - Yeah. Yeah. 01:13:34.022 --> 01:13:37.014 You wear these. More like simple Jack teeth. 01:13:37.125 --> 01:13:38.854 Okay. 01:13:38.960 --> 01:13:41.622 Hey. Look, I know you're a big fan, and that's great... 01:13:44.699 --> 01:13:46.326 Put teeth in! 01:13:53.441 --> 01:13:55.306 Now do movie. 01:13:55.410 --> 01:13:57.071 The whole movie? 01:13:57.179 --> 01:13:58.840 I can't. I don't know the whole... 01:13:58.947 --> 01:14:01.438 You perform! You perform or die! 01:14:02.184 --> 01:14:03.674 Monkey swine! 01:14:06.588 --> 01:14:07.987 Pa. 01:14:09.958 --> 01:14:11.323 More stupid! 01:14:13.094 --> 01:14:18.157 Pa, why you gotta make me feel bad? 01:14:20.602 --> 01:14:21.933 You saw what I saw. 01:14:22.037 --> 01:14:24.631 Tugg speedman is dead meat if we don't do something soon. 01:14:24.739 --> 01:14:27.105 Yeah. We could do something by getting our asses back to the hotel, 01:14:27.209 --> 01:14:28.540 which is in the other direction! 01:14:28.643 --> 01:14:30.235 Ain't right. 01:14:30.345 --> 01:14:32.370 What would've happened in the great escape 01:14:32.480 --> 01:14:36.314 if Steve McQueen and them dudes had turned tail and ran? 01:14:36.418 --> 01:14:40.411 Well, that's what that movie was about. They were escaping. They ran away. 01:14:40.522 --> 01:14:43.150 I'm trying to agree with you. The point is they did something. 01:14:43.258 --> 01:14:44.452 Then what are we supposed to do, huh? 01:14:44.559 --> 01:14:48.461 'Cause he's cleaning a gun with no bullets. Yeah, that's a plan. 01:14:48.563 --> 01:14:52.693 I'm just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he's nervous. 01:14:55.904 --> 01:14:58.395 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 01:14:58.506 --> 01:15:01.566 I got an idea. This might be a little crazy. 01:15:01.676 --> 01:15:03.644 Crazy's better than nothing. 01:15:03.745 --> 01:15:07.704 Back in '98, I did a low-budget titty comedy for skinemax. 01:15:07.816 --> 01:15:11.149 - Sex camp. Remember it? - Yeah. 01:15:11.253 --> 01:15:15.212 Anyway, me and the campers from the uncool camp 01:15:15.323 --> 01:15:17.848 had to break into the rich girl camp. 01:15:17.959 --> 01:15:19.654 So, what we did, 01:15:19.761 --> 01:15:22.753 we built a catapult out of logs and underwear, 01:15:22.864 --> 01:15:26.425 and they shot us over the wall, and we parachuted down. 01:15:32.040 --> 01:15:35.567 Look, you guys, we already know the plan. 01:15:35.677 --> 01:15:37.645 Are you fucking kidding me? I'm giving you gold. 01:15:37.746 --> 01:15:42.115 We do it just like in the book, chapter 26, the wet offensive. 01:15:42.217 --> 01:15:44.617 The book of tropic thunder. 01:15:44.719 --> 01:15:46.949 Yeah, did you guys read the book? 01:15:48.256 --> 01:15:50.884 The flap, I read the back flap and saw the pictures. 01:15:51.660 --> 01:15:54.788 Well, it's okay. It's exactly the same as in the script. 01:15:54.896 --> 01:15:55.954 Cool. 01:15:57.933 --> 01:16:00.493 You guys all read the script, right? 01:16:00.602 --> 01:16:02.695 I don't read the script, script reads me. 01:16:03.872 --> 01:16:05.339 What the hell does that even mean? 01:16:05.440 --> 01:16:08.807 What you getting at with the books, scripts? Spit that shit out, man! 01:16:12.147 --> 01:16:13.978 All right. The wet offensive. 01:16:15.016 --> 01:16:17.918 Osiris and fats go undercover as a diversion. 01:16:18.019 --> 01:16:20.351 Motown and Brooklyn sneak in via the river. 01:16:20.455 --> 01:16:22.855 Yeah. But those dudes was trained soldiers. 01:16:24.726 --> 01:16:25.784 Yeah! 01:16:26.861 --> 01:16:29.853 And we trained actors, motherfucker. 01:16:29.965 --> 01:16:34.299 Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat. 01:16:34.402 --> 01:16:37.166 Some of us might not even make it back. 01:16:37.272 --> 01:16:40.366 What do you mean? Like not on the same flight? 01:16:43.078 --> 01:16:45.842 Alpa and I's already wearing earth mama's natural night camo. 01:16:45.947 --> 01:16:47.778 - Cool it, Benson. - Sorry. 01:16:48.850 --> 01:16:53.378 We gonna scout, get a plan together. We ain't back in 20, come looking. 01:16:54.889 --> 01:16:56.754 We are flaming dragon. 01:17:00.495 --> 01:17:01.689 Okay. 01:17:02.998 --> 01:17:06.092 Flaming dragon's a heroin manufacturer. 01:17:06.201 --> 01:17:09.295 They're responsible for an eighth of the drug trade in Asia. 01:17:09.404 --> 01:17:12.635 - Huge profit margin. - Guys! 01:17:12.741 --> 01:17:15.676 Would somebody please let me know what the game plan is? 01:17:15.777 --> 01:17:17.506 Peck! We have it handled. 01:17:17.612 --> 01:17:20.103 Please, don't interrupt. Everything's under control. 01:17:20.215 --> 01:17:22.206 I got it. Got it. 01:17:34.329 --> 01:17:36.559 - Les Grossman. - We not get money yet. 01:17:37.098 --> 01:17:39.225 Price now 100 million! 01:17:39.334 --> 01:17:42.167 You pay now, or tomorrow simple Jack die. 01:17:42.270 --> 01:17:45.330 Great. Let me get this down. 01:17:45.440 --> 01:17:46.873 100 million. 01:17:46.975 --> 01:17:49.443 Wait! I got a better idea. 01:17:50.245 --> 01:17:52.076 Instead of 100 million, 01:17:52.180 --> 01:17:55.047 how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese? 01:17:55.150 --> 01:17:57.470 Then you kill him! Do your thing! Skin the fucking bastard! 01:17:57.552 --> 01:17:59.747 Go to town, man! Go to town! 01:17:59.854 --> 01:18:02.015 - No... - In the meantime, and as usual, 01:18:02.123 --> 01:18:03.784 go fuck yourself! 01:18:04.893 --> 01:18:07.453 - No. - We don't negotiate with terrorists. 01:18:09.564 --> 01:18:12.294 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, are you insane? 01:18:12.400 --> 01:18:14.231 - I think I could've done that better. - I thought it was good. 01:18:14.335 --> 01:18:16.200 They're gonna kill him! 01:18:19.274 --> 01:18:20.332 And? 01:18:22.677 --> 01:18:23.803 "And?" 01:18:25.180 --> 01:18:29.207 It's a cold, hard world. Shit happens. 01:18:31.519 --> 01:18:34.716 We'll weep for him, in the press. 01:18:34.856 --> 01:18:37.518 Set up a scholarship in his name. 01:18:37.625 --> 01:18:41.561 Eventually, and I'm talking way, way down the road, 01:18:41.663 --> 01:18:43.153 we file an insurance claim. 01:18:43.264 --> 01:18:46.062 Preferably before the end of the fiscal year. 01:18:46.167 --> 01:18:49.898 Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose. 01:18:52.006 --> 01:18:53.769 You can't be serious. 01:18:55.009 --> 01:18:56.567 You kick in the door to my house, 01:18:56.678 --> 01:19:02.139 all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap 01:19:02.250 --> 01:19:06.846 for the third runner-up sexiest man alive 1998, 01:19:06.955 --> 01:19:09.321 and you're asking if I'm serious? 01:19:13.194 --> 01:19:14.889 Let's face it. 01:19:14.996 --> 01:19:19.023 The kids aren't dressing up as scorcher for purim anymore. 01:19:20.435 --> 01:19:23.427 Speedman is a dying star, 01:19:23.538 --> 01:19:26.769 a white dwarf heading for a black hole. 01:19:26.875 --> 01:19:29.605 That's physics. It's inevitable. 01:19:29.711 --> 01:19:33.044 We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, peck. 01:19:33.148 --> 01:19:36.982 The universe is talking to us right now. 01:19:37.085 --> 01:19:38.643 You just gotta listen. 01:19:51.766 --> 01:19:55.361 See, this is the good part, pecker. This is when the job gets fun. 01:19:55.470 --> 01:19:56.562 Yeah. 01:19:56.671 --> 01:19:59.834 Ask and you shall receive. 01:20:00.875 --> 01:20:05.005 - All right. - You play ball, we play ball. 01:20:05.113 --> 01:20:08.480 I know you want the goodies. 01:20:08.583 --> 01:20:10.574 Welcome to the goody room. 01:20:10.685 --> 01:20:15.315 You paying attention? 'Cause I'm talking g5 for the pecker. 01:20:15.423 --> 01:20:16.685 That's how you're gonna roll. 01:20:16.791 --> 01:20:20.750 No more frequent flier bitch Miles for my boy. 01:20:20.862 --> 01:20:22.159 Yeah! 01:20:22.664 --> 01:20:23.926 Playa. 01:20:24.799 --> 01:20:26.130 Playa! 01:20:27.168 --> 01:20:28.465 Big dick playa. 01:20:28.570 --> 01:20:30.561 Swinging past your knees! 01:20:30.672 --> 01:20:31.696 Big dick, baby. 01:20:31.806 --> 01:20:33.000 Yep. 01:20:36.344 --> 01:20:38.938 Or you can grow a conscience 01:20:39.047 --> 01:20:41.413 in the next five minutes and see where that takes you. 01:20:46.387 --> 01:20:48.480 Let me get this straight. 01:20:48.590 --> 01:20:52.219 You want me to let my client of 15 years, 01:20:52.327 --> 01:20:53.692 one of my best friends, 01:20:53.795 --> 01:20:58.425 die in the jungle, alone, for some money and a g5? 01:20:59.567 --> 01:21:00.693 Yes. 01:21:05.773 --> 01:21:08.037 A g5 airplane? 01:21:10.144 --> 01:21:11.202 Yes. 01:21:12.280 --> 01:21:14.976 And lots of money. 01:21:16.351 --> 01:21:18.512 Playa. 01:21:21.422 --> 01:21:22.616 Yeah! 01:21:23.858 --> 01:21:26.452 Smack it up, flip it, rub it down! 01:21:29.030 --> 01:21:31.692 But mama take care of Jack a lot. 01:21:32.533 --> 01:21:36.264 How many more sleeps before she wakes up again? 01:21:36.371 --> 01:21:37.895 Sorry, Jack. 01:21:38.006 --> 01:21:40.270 She in heaven now. 01:21:41.042 --> 01:21:44.307 Damn! I thought the movie was bad. 01:21:44.412 --> 01:21:47.540 She sleep forever. 01:21:47.649 --> 01:21:50.777 To the man's credit, he's actually eased up on the retard throttle. 01:21:50.885 --> 01:21:54.480 And now that's added a balance, and the audience can connect. 01:21:54.589 --> 01:21:58.389 I mean, this is theater 101, but, you know, he's had a tough road. 01:21:58.493 --> 01:21:59.619 He'll become a naturalist. 01:21:59.727 --> 01:22:01.447 - Yeah. - Break down the aesthetic distance, 01:22:01.529 --> 01:22:03.258 then the... 01:22:05.933 --> 01:22:07.560 Told you I'd tag you back. 01:22:10.238 --> 01:22:12.502 Can I tell you that I'm sorry 01:22:12.607 --> 01:22:14.905 for any offense I might've caused, man? 01:22:15.009 --> 01:22:17.375 - I just got caught up in... - In being a dumbass? 01:22:17.478 --> 01:22:18.877 I guess so. 01:22:18.980 --> 01:22:21.676 Why you still doing this chicken George shit, I have no idea. 01:22:21.783 --> 01:22:23.080 - Neither do I. - It's beyond me. 01:22:23.184 --> 01:22:25.379 - It's beyond me. - You confused. 01:22:25.486 --> 01:22:27.420 - I am a little confused. - I know. 01:22:29.023 --> 01:22:30.820 But are we cool? 01:22:30.925 --> 01:22:32.256 Not really. 01:22:36.064 --> 01:22:37.656 Hey, man. 01:22:37.765 --> 01:22:39.460 - How's it going? - Good. Yourself? 01:22:39.567 --> 01:22:41.592 Hey, so, if it's no big deal, 01:22:41.703 --> 01:22:44.570 I think I'm just gonna hang back here for the mission. 01:22:44.672 --> 01:22:46.299 Watch the stuff. 01:22:46.407 --> 01:22:48.432 - Is that cool? - What? No! 01:22:48.543 --> 01:22:50.443 We need you, Jeff. 01:22:50.545 --> 01:22:52.137 What are you talking about? 01:22:52.246 --> 01:22:53.804 Okay, look, man. 01:22:55.049 --> 01:22:57.347 - I got something to tell you. - Okay. 01:22:59.587 --> 01:23:02.317 You know those jellybeans I was eating? 01:23:02.423 --> 01:23:05.517 Well, they weren't jellybeans, okay? 01:23:06.427 --> 01:23:09.225 - They were drugs. - Really? 01:23:09.330 --> 01:23:13.699 I get down there near the mother lode, I am done. I'm jonesing bad, man. 01:23:13.801 --> 01:23:16.736 I'm gonna fucking do all the heroin in the fucking world. 01:23:20.041 --> 01:23:24.205 If you guys wanna make it through this thing, you gotta strap me to a tree. 01:23:25.580 --> 01:23:29.346 - Are you serious? - Yeah, I'm serious. Literally, a tree. 01:23:29.450 --> 01:23:32.330 And you can, no matter what, you can't fucking untie me until it is done, 01:23:32.420 --> 01:23:33.978 until it is out of my system. 01:23:34.088 --> 01:23:35.715 I'm gonna say, "hey, man, I'm cool. It's cool. 01:23:35.823 --> 01:23:37.381 "I'm finally better. I'm finally better. Untie me." 01:23:37.492 --> 01:23:40.689 Don't listen to me! Anything I fucking say is a lie! 01:23:40.795 --> 01:23:42.126 You got it! 01:23:42.797 --> 01:23:44.856 Goodbye, mama! 01:23:44.966 --> 01:23:48.094 Now you can have ice cream in heaven. 01:23:48.202 --> 01:23:53.162 I'll see you tonight, when I go to bed, in my head movies. 01:23:54.108 --> 01:23:58.704 But this head movie makes my eyes rain. 01:24:07.755 --> 01:24:10.986 Dang. Short-bus is taking some real hits. 01:24:12.860 --> 01:24:15.658 - They got him on the move! - That's torture, man. 01:24:15.797 --> 01:24:18.664 Okay. That's where they keeping him. 01:24:18.766 --> 01:24:20.961 I gotta get cracking on my costume. 01:24:21.068 --> 01:24:22.467 Say, are you good with a needle and thread? 01:24:22.570 --> 01:24:23.594 Hell, yeah. 01:24:23.704 --> 01:24:27.037 Alpa chino chinos sold more than five million pairs last spring at the gap. 01:24:27.141 --> 01:24:29.837 - I sewed them patterns myself, baby. - Let's roll out. 01:25:01.843 --> 01:25:04.073 It's a little twig man Oscar. 01:25:10.685 --> 01:25:13.085 I'm going to call you half squat. 01:25:14.789 --> 01:25:16.757 And you can call me 01:25:17.825 --> 01:25:19.122 papa. 01:25:42.617 --> 01:25:44.346 Wow, look at all those stars. 01:25:46.320 --> 01:25:48.288 Really makes a guy feel pretty small. 01:25:49.824 --> 01:25:52.384 This could be the last time we look at these stars. 01:25:53.361 --> 01:25:54.828 Man, that's beauty. 01:25:56.764 --> 01:25:59.824 Nights like tonight make a man wonder what it's all about. 01:25:59.934 --> 01:26:02.232 Hey, you guys. Anybody got some bug spray? 01:26:04.071 --> 01:26:05.197 Don't ignore me! 01:26:05.306 --> 01:26:08.173 Stick it out, man. We're gonna get through this. 01:26:09.310 --> 01:26:11.369 - Hey, kirk? - Yeah? 01:26:11.479 --> 01:26:14.312 Are you still dating Jennifer love Hewitt? 01:26:14.415 --> 01:26:15.814 'Cause I think she's hot. 01:26:15.917 --> 01:26:19.284 No, that was just some tabloid conjecture. 01:26:19.387 --> 01:26:23.380 Hey, guys, I'm good. I made it through. You can untie me now. 01:26:24.458 --> 01:26:25.789 Funny, huh? 01:26:25.893 --> 01:26:28.794 The circus life 280 days a year on location. 01:26:30.031 --> 01:26:32.932 It's hard to find a girl that can hang with that, you know? 01:26:34.735 --> 01:26:36.794 Not one worth keeping, nohow. 01:26:36.904 --> 01:26:39.202 Hey, radar? Evans? 01:26:39.307 --> 01:26:40.365 No, it's Kevin. 01:26:40.474 --> 01:26:42.203 Kev, whatever the fuck. Come over here. 01:26:42.310 --> 01:26:44.540 I didn't tell you, but fatties: Fart three is coming down the pike, 01:26:44.645 --> 01:26:48.137 and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me. 01:26:48.249 --> 01:26:50.809 Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out. 01:26:50.918 --> 01:26:52.886 Your mother's a cankerous whore! 01:26:52.987 --> 01:26:54.318 Jesus, man. 01:26:55.356 --> 01:26:56.823 Hey, man. 01:26:56.924 --> 01:26:59.825 Remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? 01:26:59.927 --> 01:27:03.328 I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not. 01:27:03.431 --> 01:27:05.126 How about you, man? 01:27:05.266 --> 01:27:07.700 You got some little minx waiting for you on the other side of tomorrow? 01:27:07.802 --> 01:27:09.269 Me? 01:27:09.370 --> 01:27:12.134 I've barely even had a girlfriend, and... 01:27:12.974 --> 01:27:16.637 I was really hoping I'd get laid when this movie came out, 01:27:16.744 --> 01:27:19.144 but that's not gonna happen. 01:27:20.014 --> 01:27:21.481 What about you, masterblaster? 01:27:21.582 --> 01:27:24.263 You got a certain someone you trying to get with back in the states? 01:27:24.318 --> 01:27:29.051 What, alpa chino? He's like 10 girls deep, 24/7. 01:27:29.156 --> 01:27:30.384 No. You missing me, man. 01:27:30.491 --> 01:27:32.288 I'm talking about something special. Big difference. 01:27:32.393 --> 01:27:33.587 How about it? 01:27:34.362 --> 01:27:35.488 Yeah. 01:27:36.897 --> 01:27:38.865 Yeah, there is. 01:27:38.966 --> 01:27:42.299 Well? What's the skinny? Y'all been on a date or what? 01:27:42.403 --> 01:27:44.303 No. I mean... 01:27:44.405 --> 01:27:49.240 I always wanted to, but I guess I just never had the courage to ask. 01:27:49.343 --> 01:27:51.038 It's... it's complicated. 01:27:51.145 --> 01:27:53.579 No! It's simple as pie, man. 01:27:53.681 --> 01:27:56.275 You plant your feet in the ground, you look her square in the eyes, you say, 01:27:56.384 --> 01:28:00.013 "hey, baby, you and me's going on a date." That's the end of story. 01:28:00.121 --> 01:28:02.817 - What's her name? - Lance. 01:28:02.923 --> 01:28:04.686 "Listen here, Lance..." 01:28:05.559 --> 01:28:09.359 Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance? 01:28:09.463 --> 01:28:11.192 - Did you say "Lance"? - No! 01:28:11.298 --> 01:28:13.258 - That sounded like "Lance." - No, I said "Nance." 01:28:13.334 --> 01:28:15.575 - That's what I said, "Nance." - It sounded like "Lance." 01:28:15.603 --> 01:28:17.127 Look, I'm alpa chino, okay? 01:28:17.238 --> 01:28:18.899 I love the pussy! All right? 01:28:19.006 --> 01:28:20.906 Lay your ass back down and look at the stars. 01:28:21.042 --> 01:28:22.373 When you wrote I love tha pussy 01:28:22.476 --> 01:28:25.843 was you thinking of dangling your dice on Lance's forehead? 01:28:25.946 --> 01:28:28.312 Oh, hell, no! What? Come on. Look. 01:28:28.416 --> 01:28:31.351 - Man, everyone's gay once in a while. - I'm not gay! 01:28:31.452 --> 01:28:32.476 This Hollywood. 01:28:32.586 --> 01:28:33.644 How about we all get back to work? 01:28:33.754 --> 01:28:35.415 - Okay. Cool. - This is ridiculous! 01:28:35.523 --> 01:28:38.424 We got a big day tomorrow. Let's get focused. 01:28:40.995 --> 01:28:45.830 Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick right now. 01:28:45.933 --> 01:28:49.164 I told you, for the last time, I love the pussy! 01:28:50.538 --> 01:28:53.371 I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, 01:28:53.474 --> 01:28:56.568 work the pipe and swallow the gravy. 01:28:56.677 --> 01:28:58.736 Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this. 01:29:05.319 --> 01:29:06.377 Okay, so, what's the plan? 01:29:06.487 --> 01:29:07.886 Are you gonna talk vietnamese to those dudes? 01:29:07.988 --> 01:29:09.751 No. No. Mandarin Chinese. 01:29:09.857 --> 01:29:11.552 Which, from what I can tell, is what they speaking down there. 01:29:11.659 --> 01:29:13.217 How the hell do you know Chinese? 01:29:13.327 --> 01:29:16.785 Land of silk and money with gong li. Second globe, third Oscar. 01:29:16.897 --> 01:29:20.856 Prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months. 01:29:20.968 --> 01:29:22.902 That might be our ride. 01:29:39.653 --> 01:29:40.881 The straps are too tight! 01:29:40.988 --> 01:29:43.354 Shut your mouth and follow my lead. 01:30:11.252 --> 01:30:14.221 The straps are cutting off my circulation! 01:30:14.321 --> 01:30:15.321 Fuck you! 01:30:22.797 --> 01:30:25.698 Not the fucking bull again. Fucking asshole. 01:31:19.753 --> 01:31:22.449 Laz, don't let him take me off the yak. 01:31:26.961 --> 01:31:29.225 Bitch whore! Fucking hate you! 01:31:39.373 --> 01:31:40.567 Okay. 01:31:42.776 --> 01:31:44.334 All right. 01:31:44.445 --> 01:31:46.845 That looks like it could be the munitions hut right there. 01:31:46.947 --> 01:31:49.006 I'm gonna try to find speedman in the main building. 01:32:06.901 --> 01:32:10.598 I don't know Chinese but it sounds like your improvising is for shit. 01:32:10.704 --> 01:32:11.830 Oh, fuck! 01:32:27.354 --> 01:32:28.946 Get over here! 01:32:30.324 --> 01:32:31.882 - What are you guys doing here? - He has hands. 01:32:31.992 --> 01:32:34.392 - He killed Damien. - Bullshit! 01:32:34.495 --> 01:32:36.986 - He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis. - Almost! 01:32:37.097 --> 01:32:40.294 What are you talking about? Damien stepped on a old landmine. 01:32:40.401 --> 01:32:41.959 Sweet. Thank God. 01:32:42.069 --> 01:32:44.264 - We busting speedman out. - Speedman's here? 01:33:12.433 --> 01:33:15.027 I take it y'all are doing the wet offensive from the book. 01:33:15.135 --> 01:33:16.397 I can give y'all a diversion. 01:33:16.503 --> 01:33:20.439 I got enough shit here to light this place up like it's the fourth of fucking July. 01:34:01.915 --> 01:34:04.383 Yes, your farm. 01:34:08.756 --> 01:34:11.156 Where is your farm, 01:34:12.726 --> 01:34:14.193 American? 01:34:17.031 --> 01:34:18.293 My farm? 01:34:20.234 --> 01:34:21.496 Oh, shit. 01:34:22.269 --> 01:34:25.466 Here's my motherfucking farm! 01:34:25.572 --> 01:34:27.062 Yeah! 01:34:32.012 --> 01:34:35.004 Yeah! Chicka-chickaw, baby! 01:34:36.016 --> 01:34:37.210 Kwan-lo! 01:34:38.719 --> 01:34:40.619 I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker! 01:34:41.121 --> 01:34:42.281 Yeah! 01:34:43.857 --> 01:34:47.054 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, keep your head down! 01:34:47.161 --> 01:34:49.425 Keep your head down on the ground! 01:34:49.530 --> 01:34:51.691 Nobody move or I do the little big guy! 01:34:51.799 --> 01:34:55.235 That's right, we running this program now, j.P. 01:34:55.335 --> 01:34:57.963 Now show me where the drugs are. 01:34:58.072 --> 01:34:59.869 What the fuck? 01:34:59.973 --> 01:35:01.668 That ain't the plan! 01:35:01.775 --> 01:35:03.470 Don't judge me! 01:35:07.147 --> 01:35:08.910 He's got a real serious problem. 01:35:09.716 --> 01:35:11.980 Hey! Hey, you! 01:35:12.086 --> 01:35:16.049 Take off your clothes! 01:35:16.156 --> 01:35:17.453 What do we do now? 01:35:17.558 --> 01:35:19.389 Stick with the plan. Find speedman. 01:35:19.493 --> 01:35:21.893 Alpa, keep this clown posse down. Come on now. 01:35:21.995 --> 01:35:25.362 Y'all heard the man. Be suede, don't move! 01:35:25.466 --> 01:35:27.366 Fuck your do-rag. Fuck your do-rag. 01:35:27.468 --> 01:35:29.959 - Door! - One, two, three! 01:35:43.250 --> 01:35:45.081 I go high, you go low. 01:35:49.456 --> 01:35:53.324 Get down. Get down! Get down! Chow yun-fat, get the hell down! 01:35:53.427 --> 01:35:56.726 If I see one more head pop up, it's gonna be bullet whac-a-mole. 01:35:58.298 --> 01:35:59.731 Come on, come on! 01:35:59.833 --> 01:36:01.824 - Smoke grenade. - Don't drop it now. 01:36:02.503 --> 01:36:04.061 Here. 01:36:04.171 --> 01:36:06.568 - What's this? - I don't know what it's called. 01:36:06.673 --> 01:36:09.267 I just know the sound it makes when it lies. 01:36:09.376 --> 01:36:12.903 Don't move, matchbox, or I will shoot you. 01:36:13.013 --> 01:36:15.880 I'm gonna put on this thing. Don't move. 01:36:15.983 --> 01:36:17.712 I can still see you. 01:36:23.857 --> 01:36:24.949 Tugg! 01:36:27.494 --> 01:36:28.654 Tugg? 01:36:30.731 --> 01:36:31.925 Gotcha. 01:36:33.100 --> 01:36:36.001 Roll your shit up, man. We going home. 01:36:36.103 --> 01:36:37.229 Home? 01:36:39.373 --> 01:36:43.207 But I'm doing five shows a day for a standing-room-only crowd. 01:36:43.310 --> 01:36:45.870 Don't you get it? I already am home. 01:36:48.182 --> 01:36:51.310 All right, now, dude, you gotta get it... 01:36:51.418 --> 01:36:53.613 My son gave this to me. 01:36:53.720 --> 01:36:57.212 - That's your stick buddy? - His name is twigman. 01:36:57.324 --> 01:36:59.155 Does he wanna come with us? 01:37:20.147 --> 01:37:22.274 Get down! Get down! Get down! 01:37:22.382 --> 01:37:27.342 Maybe y'all heard of me. Y'all heard of alpa chino? No? 01:37:27.454 --> 01:37:29.922 I love that pussy, hell, yeah, hell, yeah 01:37:30.023 --> 01:37:31.149 they're not your demo, dude. 01:37:31.625 --> 01:37:34.025 Come on. Six motherfucking vmas, baby. 01:37:34.127 --> 01:37:37.324 Two bet awards. Alpa chino. 01:37:37.431 --> 01:37:43.836 Like him in carlito's way? 01:37:44.204 --> 01:37:46.866 Hey, yo, you know what? Speak English. I don't speak that stuff. 01:37:46.974 --> 01:37:48.908 What're you sayin'? Huh? 01:37:49.009 --> 01:37:53.571 Devil's advocate. Dog day afternoon. 01:37:53.947 --> 01:37:56.780 Cruising. Sea of love. 01:37:56.883 --> 01:37:59.875 Real Al Pacino. 01:37:59.987 --> 01:38:03.582 Get the fuck down. That's a whole different dude altogether. 01:38:03.690 --> 01:38:06.750 What you doing? What you doing? Don't touch that gun. 01:38:06.860 --> 01:38:08.259 Don't do it! Don't touch that gun! 01:38:08.362 --> 01:38:10.660 On my momma, if you touch that gun... 01:38:15.302 --> 01:38:17.702 - Oh, shit, it's on! - Over here! 01:38:52.105 --> 01:38:53.868 - What're you doing? - I'm gonna give these boys 01:38:53.974 --> 01:38:55.601 a hanoi high-five. 01:39:08.255 --> 01:39:09.620 Shadow me, Pinocchio! 01:39:10.390 --> 01:39:11.618 Smoke! 01:39:17.464 --> 01:39:19.159 Oh, shit! 01:39:24.004 --> 01:39:25.528 Jeff, don't! 01:39:26.373 --> 01:39:28.364 It doesn't matter what I do. 01:39:28.475 --> 01:39:31.444 I'll always be a screw-up. No one'll ever respect me. 01:39:31.545 --> 01:39:35.538 That is not true, you are not a screw-up! You make so many people laugh. 01:39:35.649 --> 01:39:37.879 They only laugh at my farts. 01:39:37.984 --> 01:39:39.975 Jeff, we really need to go now! 01:39:40.087 --> 01:39:41.679 This is all I deserve! 01:40:01.842 --> 01:40:04.072 Laugh at that, you bastards! 01:40:04.177 --> 01:40:07.578 Hilarious! Hilarious! 01:40:09.116 --> 01:40:11.949 Let's move. We only have 16 hours before they wake up. 01:40:28.235 --> 01:40:29.827 Sounds like the dinner bell's ringing. 01:40:29.936 --> 01:40:32.871 These assholes are gonna be crawling in here ready to fucking eat us. 01:40:35.809 --> 01:40:38.676 There. All right, you keep six right here. 01:40:40.614 --> 01:40:42.775 Come on, let's go. 01:40:42.883 --> 01:40:44.817 Come on, what are you guys doing? Let's get out of here! 01:40:44.918 --> 01:40:46.579 He's on tilt status. 01:40:46.686 --> 01:40:50.645 Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in moonshot. 01:40:50.757 --> 01:40:52.850 They found me in an alley in Burbank 01:40:52.959 --> 01:40:56.190 trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box. 01:40:56.930 --> 01:40:57.988 What're you talking about? 01:40:58.098 --> 01:41:00.464 Come on, fellas, we really need to go. 01:41:00.567 --> 01:41:05.004 Daggomit, blamtucky, I ain't re-programming a vcr. 01:41:10.911 --> 01:41:13.141 Give me the flame thrower. You gotta start the chopper. 01:41:13.246 --> 01:41:16.682 - No, fuck that! Just give me this. - No time! I'll take care of this! 01:41:17.918 --> 01:41:19.818 All right. Give me your hooks. 01:41:19.920 --> 01:41:21.547 Don't worry, I'm not gonna put them on again. 01:41:21.655 --> 01:41:24.488 - Just give me your goddamn hooks. - All right. Here. 01:41:24.591 --> 01:41:26.752 Get those boys back to the bird, pronto! 01:41:31.698 --> 01:41:33.859 Shit! Enough! 01:41:33.967 --> 01:41:35.867 Fake shit! 01:41:38.972 --> 01:41:40.098 Fuck! 01:41:47.814 --> 01:41:50.977 Go get your guys! Get them to the chopper! 01:41:51.084 --> 01:41:53.177 I'll take care of these yahoos! 01:41:55.222 --> 01:41:57.486 You're gonna focus up now, motherfucker, and say it. 01:41:57.591 --> 01:41:59.718 - "It's me, tugg!" - It's me, tugg. 01:41:59.826 --> 01:42:01.293 That's right! Now, tugg who? 01:42:01.394 --> 01:42:04.192 - Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you? - Me? 01:42:04.297 --> 01:42:05.992 I know who I am! 01:42:06.099 --> 01:42:09.830 I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude. 01:42:09.936 --> 01:42:10.994 What? 01:42:11.104 --> 01:42:13.197 You a dude that don't know what dude he is! 01:42:13.306 --> 01:42:16.002 Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is 01:42:16.109 --> 01:42:17.371 and claims to know what dude he is... 01:42:17.477 --> 01:42:19.240 What the fuck are you guys talking about? 01:42:19.346 --> 01:42:20.438 By playing other dudes? 01:42:20.547 --> 01:42:21.741 I know what dude I am! 01:42:21.848 --> 01:42:24.646 - You're scared. - I ain't scared. Scared of what? 01:42:24.751 --> 01:42:26.013 Or scared of who? 01:42:26.119 --> 01:42:28.713 - Scared of who? - Come on, guys. We really need to go! 01:42:28.822 --> 01:42:30.084 Scared of you. 01:42:34.995 --> 01:42:37.327 - Jesus. - What's going on? 01:42:37.430 --> 01:42:38.954 The dudes are emerging. 01:42:39.065 --> 01:42:40.396 He's right, you know. 01:42:42.168 --> 01:42:43.567 I am not 01:42:45.138 --> 01:42:46.833 sergeant Lincoln osiris. 01:42:51.244 --> 01:42:52.711 We gotta roll out. 01:42:52.812 --> 01:42:56.043 Nor am I father O'Malley. 01:42:58.285 --> 01:43:01.220 Or Neil Armstrong. 01:43:08.795 --> 01:43:10.956 I think I might be nobody. 01:43:12.365 --> 01:43:13.525 Wow! 01:43:13.633 --> 01:43:16.295 The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous! 01:43:17.571 --> 01:43:20.540 - Everybody's got issues! - Yeah, man, everybody got issues. 01:43:20.640 --> 01:43:23.200 Come on! You're kirk Lazarus. 01:43:23.310 --> 01:43:25.471 You're the whole reason I got into acting. 01:43:25.579 --> 01:43:27.410 I memorized every single monologue 01:43:27.514 --> 01:43:30.108 you ever did when I was in theater school. 01:43:30.216 --> 01:43:32.241 - Really? - Yeah. And look, tugg! 01:43:32.352 --> 01:43:34.786 I saw scorcher I 24 times when I was in eighth grade. 01:43:34.888 --> 01:43:37.857 That shit blew me away! I got high to that shit! You the man! 01:43:37.958 --> 01:43:41.086 Yeah, man, scorcher I was great. Let's get the fuck out of here! 01:43:41.194 --> 01:43:45.324 Tugg, tugger, you're the last piece of the puzzle, buddy. 01:43:45.432 --> 01:43:48.424 We need you! Your men need you! Are you with us? 01:43:52.772 --> 01:43:54.763 I'm a rooster illusion. 01:43:54.874 --> 01:43:56.068 Fuck it. We'll deal with him later. 01:43:56.176 --> 01:43:59.339 Let's move. Come on. Come on. Double time. Gotta go! 01:44:01.881 --> 01:44:03.678 Come on, come on, come on. 01:44:07.454 --> 01:44:09.388 Bingo! Move out. 01:44:11.324 --> 01:44:12.689 Oh, God. 01:44:14.661 --> 01:44:17.528 Just say no to this, you drug-making midget. 01:44:22.102 --> 01:44:23.569 Gotta hold on! 01:44:29.743 --> 01:44:31.108 Four leaf! 01:44:35.849 --> 01:44:37.180 You grew hands? 01:44:46.426 --> 01:44:47.950 Rpg, gentlemen! 01:44:50.730 --> 01:44:52.254 Where are you going? 01:44:57.771 --> 01:45:00.296 Oh, my God. I am moving to catering after this. 01:45:22.328 --> 01:45:23.659 My ass! 01:45:26.900 --> 01:45:28.231 My ass! 01:45:29.836 --> 01:45:33.101 Hey, yo! We gotta get our shit together, tugg! 01:45:33.206 --> 01:45:35.436 We gotta get his cracker ass to the chopper! 01:45:35.542 --> 01:45:39.842 Are you still crazy? We gotta get candisky to the chopper! 01:45:39.946 --> 01:45:41.413 It's sandusky. 01:45:43.283 --> 01:45:46.582 - Kevin sandusky. - That's my name. 01:45:46.686 --> 01:45:48.278 You remembered my name. 01:45:48.388 --> 01:45:50.413 Alpa, go help Cody. 01:45:50.523 --> 01:45:52.514 Portnoy, get sandusky back to the chopper. Go! 01:45:52.625 --> 01:45:54.456 - I got him! - Let's go! 01:45:55.895 --> 01:45:57.419 Let's get out of here! 01:46:09.309 --> 01:46:10.799 Hey, leaf! 01:46:10.910 --> 01:46:12.138 - Leaf! - Yeah. 01:46:12.245 --> 01:46:13.245 Hit the plunger 01:46:13.346 --> 01:46:15.106 - as soon as they clear the bridge! - Got it! 01:46:19.786 --> 01:46:22.220 Come on! Get in the chopper! 01:46:22.422 --> 01:46:25.220 - Come on! Move! - Kirk! Wait! 01:46:29.763 --> 01:46:31.390 Laz, I'm gonna blow the bridge! 01:46:31.498 --> 01:46:33.295 Are you the special effects guy? 01:46:33.399 --> 01:46:35.526 - You God damn right I am. - Fuck yeah! 01:46:35.935 --> 01:46:37.129 Leaf's about to blow the bridge. Come on! 01:46:37.237 --> 01:46:39.831 You don't have to! You don't have to! I'm staying. 01:46:39.939 --> 01:46:41.429 No, I can't let you do that, mate. We gotta go. 01:46:41.541 --> 01:46:44.066 No, I'm telling you, I'm not being crazy. They'll listen to me. 01:46:44.177 --> 01:46:46.668 I know it sounds weird, but I have a connection with them. 01:46:46.780 --> 01:46:49.660 You're not doing tofu dinner theater for these motherfuckers. Let's roll! 01:46:49.682 --> 01:46:53.516 - Get over here! - I have a son now. Little half squat. 01:46:53.620 --> 01:46:55.178 Who in crikey fuck is half squat? 01:46:55.288 --> 01:46:57.518 He's my son. He's my boy! 01:46:57.624 --> 01:47:00.058 He needs me. I have to go back to him. 01:47:03.196 --> 01:47:04.857 You tell the world what happened here. 01:47:04.964 --> 01:47:06.795 What happened here? 01:47:06.900 --> 01:47:09.130 I don't know, but you need to tell them. 01:47:11.504 --> 01:47:13.335 I got this. 01:47:13.439 --> 01:47:14.599 Tugg! 01:47:15.308 --> 01:47:18.869 You take care of the boys! I'll deal with these guys. 01:47:20.280 --> 01:47:23.875 Where is he going? We're gonna fucking die! 01:47:23.983 --> 01:47:26.611 Laz, come on. He joined the circus. Let's go. 01:47:26.719 --> 01:47:27.913 - You've got hands. - Yeah. 01:47:28.021 --> 01:47:30.148 - Fuck! You've got hands? - Come on! 01:47:31.224 --> 01:47:32.350 - Come on! - Get in! 01:47:32.458 --> 01:47:34.085 - Come on! - He's staying? 01:47:34.194 --> 01:47:36.458 Go! He's a lost cause, mate! Get out of here! 01:47:41.034 --> 01:47:45.528 I was wrong! Blow the bridge! Blow the fucking bridge! 01:47:51.377 --> 01:47:52.776 I got this. 01:47:53.446 --> 01:47:54.879 Leaf, no! 01:48:39.025 --> 01:48:41.653 It's over! He's gone! 01:48:41.761 --> 01:48:43.820 Cody! We gotta go! 01:48:45.832 --> 01:48:47.026 Look. 01:49:09.656 --> 01:49:10.987 Think he's done. 01:49:11.090 --> 01:49:12.318 Cover me! 01:49:13.393 --> 01:49:16.328 - Come on! - Wait, come back! 01:49:16.429 --> 01:49:18.158 How do we cover him? 01:49:22.402 --> 01:49:25.803 All right, game over. Come on, mate. Come on. 01:49:25.905 --> 01:49:28.499 - You all right, man? - I'm cold. 01:49:28.608 --> 01:49:30.599 I can't feel my legs. 01:49:30.710 --> 01:49:33.645 No, no, they're in a puddle, mate. See? There's a puddle right there. 01:49:33.746 --> 01:49:34.940 - No worries. - Good. 01:49:35.048 --> 01:49:36.345 Come on, we gotta split, man. 01:49:36.449 --> 01:49:38.747 - You guys came back for me. - Course. 01:49:38.851 --> 01:49:41.183 Hey! I want you to know something. 01:49:41.287 --> 01:49:42.481 What? 01:49:43.656 --> 01:49:45.453 I know who you are. 01:49:47.560 --> 01:49:49.323 You're my friend. 01:49:51.597 --> 01:49:53.224 You're my brother. 01:49:54.100 --> 01:49:56.933 But like a really cool brother, you know? 01:49:57.036 --> 01:49:58.401 Like a brother where there was no animosity or... 01:49:58.504 --> 01:50:01.337 Don't look now, you got some real tears going. 01:50:01.441 --> 01:50:02.441 Really? 01:50:02.542 --> 01:50:04.032 That's the stuff that accolades are made of. 01:50:04.143 --> 01:50:05.610 Jesus, let's go, man! 01:50:05.712 --> 01:50:07.813 All right? 01:50:08.748 --> 01:50:10.181 Upsy-Daisy. 01:50:11.951 --> 01:50:14.943 Come on! Come on! Come on! Let's go! Let's go! 01:50:17.090 --> 01:50:18.387 Get in! Get in! 01:50:18.491 --> 01:50:20.516 Come on! Here we go! 01:50:23.062 --> 01:50:25.860 Tuggernuts! I got it! 01:50:28.234 --> 01:50:30.532 - Tugger! - Rick! 01:50:33.139 --> 01:50:34.367 What the fuck? 01:50:34.474 --> 01:50:36.101 I got the TiVo! 01:50:37.010 --> 01:50:41.413 My friend wants a TiVo, my friend gets a TiVo! 01:50:46.586 --> 01:50:47.848 Oh, shit! 01:51:24.690 --> 01:51:26.715 And the Oscar goes to... 01:51:29.462 --> 01:51:31.760 Yes! Tugg speedman. 01:51:33.399 --> 01:51:36.095 "Tropic blunder, the true story behind the making 01:51:36.202 --> 01:51:38.727 "of the most expensive fake true war story ever." 01:51:40.306 --> 01:51:41.432 Yeah! 01:51:46.145 --> 01:51:48.045 Yeah, you son of a bitch! 01:52:07.366 --> 01:52:11.735 Eight oscars, $400 million 01:52:11.838 --> 01:52:15.069 and you saved tugg speedman's career. 01:52:15.174 --> 01:52:18.041 I couldn't have done it without you, slolom. 01:52:20.079 --> 01:52:21.171 Really? 01:52:21.280 --> 01:52:23.271 No, dickhead, of course I could. 01:52:23.382 --> 01:52:26.044 - A nutless monkey could do your job. - Well, I... 01:52:26.152 --> 01:52:29.053 Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties. 01:52:29.155 --> 01:52:31.851 - I would never do that to... - Joking. 01:52:31.958 --> 01:52:33.323 - Yeah? - Yeah. 01:52:33.426 --> 01:52:35.621 Very... okay, there he is. 01:52:35.728 --> 01:52:37.218 - There he is. Okay. - Go have fun. 01:52:37.330 --> 01:52:38.854 All right. We're having a... 01:52:38.965 --> 01:52:41.445 Fuck, okay. Thank you, les. Thank you. You have a good night... 01:52:41.467 --> 01:52:43.867 But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job. 01:52:43.970 --> 01:52:45.699 Good. Thank you, sir.